Now I know in Europe there are probably Absinthe-fueled sex parties on the regular, but we’re in America. Call us quaint, but we never did shed our Puritan roots. And we’ve impeached a President for less. There are rules here:
She Asks, “Does This Make Me Look Fat?”: Smile sweetly and say, “Nothing could make you look fat.” WARNING: Any variation from this answer may result in death by impalement.
McFlurries: The ideal date dessert. And Oreo, not M&M. You need the crumbles.
She Says Nothing Is Wrong: She means, everything is. All hands on deck. We’re at DEFCON 5.
The 3 Day Rule (Alternatively: The 7 Day, Second Tuesday From Now, Sometime Before Labor Day Rule): You seem desperate if you call that Sunday evening. I hate this rule and fortunately the taboo seems to be lifting. I’m not calling you the next day because I’m miserable. I’m calling you the next day because I like you and really want to talk to you.
Gold Diggers: See: Manhattan, The Upper East Side.
Pick Up Lines: The Most Interesting Man In The World from the Dos Equis beer ads put it best: “There’s a time and a place for them. The time is never. I’ll let you figure out the place for yourself.”
Don’t dwell on the silky smooth, James Bond opener. You aren’t that important or that witty. In a pinch, a simple “Hi, I’m—” will always suffice.
Man Law #102: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.
You Forgot Her Name: You are doomed, but Option 1—You pull up a friend and don’t say anything so she introduces herself to him. Drawback: She knows exactly what you’re doing. Option 2—You say, “You have such a lovely name. How do you spell it?” Drawback: Her name is Kim. Or Pam.
Sadly name-forgetting is an epidemic afflicting most Generation Y’ers. Tom Wolfe, a.k.a. America’s best living writer observed, “Today's first base is deep kissing, now known as tonsil hockey, plus groping and fondling this and that. Second base is oral sex. Third base is going all the way. Home plate is learning each other's names.”
The Age/2+7 Rule: Take your age, divide by 2, and add 7. If you’re 26, you can date down to a 20 year old. If you’re 30, 22. It’s near-Man Law but it’s up for review. You can do it. Though it still looks odd.
The Age/2+7: Corollary: If you’re asking if you can round down, you really need to reevaluate the entire situation to begin with. (I’m talking to you, Ricky.) Exceptions: Clint Eastwood, Sean Connery. Dirty Harry and James Bond can do whatever they want.
She Doesn’t Answer Your Call: Leave a text. Not a voicemail message. It never comes out well. And leaving rambling voice mails leads men to do crazy things. Larry David famously once broke into a girl’s apartment to delete a particularly meandering message. Besides, Americans born after 1982 are allergic to voicemail anyway. Text. And keep it short. Texting should be Hemingway, not Dickens.
She Doesn’t Answer Your 3rd Call: Move on.
“Outpunting Your Coverage”: To vastly outperform your sexual market value. Non-Brad Pitts can still find their Angelina, too. It just takes a lot longer, and it helps if you’re funny. The truth is there’s no such thing as a “league”. Just self-doubt. After all, Julia Roberts once wed Lyle Lovett. Supermodel Adriana Lima is married and hopelessly in love with Marco Juric, a guy averaging 2.6 points a night off the bench for the Memphis Grizzles. Like they say in “Dumb & Dumber”: “So you’re telling me there’s a chance!?!”
“The Game” Pick-Up Artists: A book “The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pick-up Artists” hit bookshelves in 2004 and has ruined malls and parks ever since. The book empowered legions of sketchy dudes to pursue girls by picking on their self-esteem. Tactics include: carrying around a piece of lint and placing it on the target’s shoulder; off-putting lines (called “negs”) like: “Your eyes are pretty. May I touch them?” I won’t deny these creeps occasionally outpunt their coverage. But I also won’t deny they dress like fairies and have no friends.
The “Super Bad” Rule: No, not one-name fake IDs. Or that awkward, angst-ridden teens will conquer the world. But Seth Rogen’s tip, “a major turning point in my life was when I realized you don’t want to meet a chick in a bar. Go to a farmer's market or a pumpkin patch… depending on the time of year.” a) You don’t want to tell your kids you met their mom during a sweaty game of flip cup at Brother Jimmy’s. b) If a girl hooks up with you the first night at a bar, you aren’t her first, nor the last. You know when Woody Allen quips, "I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member." It’s kind of like that...
Woody Allen: Woody achieved arguably one of the greatest human accomplishments of the 20th century in 1977. He made bespectacled, neurotic Manhattan Jews sexually viable, even desirable, to women with the movie “Annie Hall”. Think of NASA astronauts who walked on the moon and what they’ve done since.
Once you reach the zenith of human achievement, what do you do with yourself on sleepy Saturday afternoons? Most drink, get depressed. Woody Allen opted to cheat with and then marry his girlfriend’s adopted daughter.
Mila Kunis: Sure, Megan Fox and Jessica Alba crack every fella’s top 5 hottest women on the planet list. But deep down, we are obsessed with Mila Kunis from “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”. Her smoldering, white-hot looks overshadowed only by her down-for-whatever, Hawaiian persona. Deep down, every 20-something guy wishes he was with her. Ironic because she’s dating Macaley Culkin. Who every 20-something guy wishes he was… when he was 7.
What Could Have Been: The four saddest words in the English language. Just ask her. Obviously, easier said than done. But worst case scenario, she says no. Best case, she’s your wife.
Take heart, Jean. The love of your life will be one in a million. So if she’s in New York City there should 7 of them.