Prose Before Hos 2: 2009

Krampus: The Skeezy, Demonic Anti-Santa Claus

Did you know there is an anti-Santa Claus? His name is Krampus, a mythical creature who accompanies Saint Nicholas in various regions of the world during the Christmas season. Krampus acts as an anti–Saint Nicholas, who instead of giving gifts to good children, gives warnings and punishments to the bad children. To the surprise of few, Krampus also loves to visit the homes of well-endowed young females to dole out attentive punishments, as evidenced by the photos below:

Originally on ProseBeforeHos: Krampus: The Perverted Anti-Santa Claus and PBH3: Bizarro Santa Is Angry And Loves Spanking Young Women.

The Best Going Rogue Review You'll Ever Read

We want to believe:

There are many kinds of truth. There are truths based on facts, truths based on faith, and truths based on something that sounds as if it should be true (truthiness). Then there’s the kind of truth we find in Sarah’s book: stories and concepts that become truths simply because she states them. She’s a lot like our Lord and Savior, Glen Beck, in that respect.

Sometimes, she states truths that would be considered ludicrous if uttered by someone else. Her claim that the McCain campaign forced her to spend $150,000 in RNC funds to dress her family in designer clothes is one example of that. Although it might be easier to believe that she acted like a trailer park Zsa Zsa who’d found a credit card left behind at a possum feed, she blames McCain staffers. That’s good enough for us, because we have faith; we want to believe her truths.

But the book isn’t perfect. As much as I enjoyed the few short paragraphs in which Mrs Palin laid out her policy objectives, she could have condensed it all into one sentence: “I’m going to grab an Oxo Good Grips Stainless Serving Spatula and go all mavericky on your non-white, non-Christian and non-heterosexual butts.”

The book also fails to expose Mrs. Palin’s intellectual brilliance and keen grasp of foreign policy issues. Why wasn’t the text of her recent speech in Hong Kong included? Although it remains secret, it’s rumored that she viciously rebuked the Vietcong king for his assault on the Empire State Building. That’s a speech we’ve been waiting for nearly 75 years to hear. It’s big news and should have been included.

As you read other reviews of this book, please remember that Mrs. Palin has many enemies who are eager to pan her work. The Palin family’s most potent nemesis, Levi’s johnston, is no doubt fully erect and ready to spew globs of misfortune upon them for a third time. And reason-adoring intellectuals are certain to point out that an interview on Good Morning Topeka doesn’t qualify as a policy summit in the Far East.

But a few bad reviews won’t stop her. She’s seen much worse from her kitchen window. It can’t be pleasant to gaze upon Antichristograd every morning as you brew your coffee.

My review isn’t complete, but I think I’ll quit anyway, because writing reviews, like governing, is just too darned hard to finish.

[via PBH3]

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Sloth In The Box

There's a god damn SLOTH in the box.

Baby Squirrel Rescued By Mother

[via PBH3]

Doggy Drive Through Window

In the 'what-the-fack' department, a BP gas station in Florida has hired a dog to work at the store.

Seriously, this isn't a joke:

It all started one day five months ago when Mansour decided to bring his dog to work. He didn't think much of it at the time — he just wanted to have his best friend with him while he worked the sometimes slow, and occasionally, dangerous, early morning shift. The dog was given free rein of the store, and as a joke, Mansour put a shirt with a BP logo on the dog, and gave him a name tag.

"While he's here, he's an employee. My rule is, 'all employees need to wear the shirt,' " Mansour said.

[via PBH3]

Katie Couric Will Ruin Your Party With Her Booty Dancing

Katie Couric Wasted At A Wedding Pictures

[via PBH3]

I Fucking Hate Internet Explorer 8

Oh, Internet Explorer 8 is just so damn user friendly.

Get This Damn Sweater Off Of Me!!

Originally from PBH3.

Will Ferrell Does Robert Goulet

Hello I'm Robert Goulet! Da da de da da do. I know one thing we can agree on when a professional gets his mitts on a song that's when it really takes off. Da da de da da do ba dob a do. That's why I've gone out and done the music world a frickin' service, and cut this compact disc. It's called The Coconut Bangers Ball: It's A Rap. Ha Ha Ha -- a little inside, I know. Anyway what you get is one full hour of rip roarin' rap music. Not by some dubious ruffians without the chops, but by a professionally trained voice man. No musical accompaniment. It's just me out there. Watch what I do with this little ditty from Sisco called the "Thong Song."

"Oh girl that dress is so scandalous,
And you know another nigga couldn't handle it.
You see dumps like a truck, truck, truck
Not like a what, what, what
Baby move you butt,butt,butt
I think I'll sing it again
Sha bang, sha bop,bop bop.
Thong Song"

Something like that. Hey, you wouldn't let a clown fix a leak in the john. So why do you let these hooligans tear down the biz. Yeah!!! I don't care if he is mister Notorious Big. Can he croon?

"Poppa, I like it when you call me Big Poppa
Throw your hands in the air if you think your a playa
Poppa, I love it when you call me Big Poppa
To the honeys makin' money playin' niggaz just like dummies
Poppa"

You get the idea. We call it Coconut Bangers Ball: It's A Rap. It's Snoopy, Dre, Biggie, Puff Man, Cooooooooolio, the whole bunch.

"Who let the dogs out,
Who let those dogs out,
Who let those little mutts gooooooooooo!
Yeah! Goulet!"

Well I gotta a gig to make, but do yourself a big favor alright and go out and ( Big Horn walks into scene) hold on lookee here. It's a big horn. Well! (grabs bowl of food) That's why I come up here. Look at you. You're hungry. You don't even blink do you. Quick -- staring contest me and you! Now!

You win, you always do. That's why I come up here.

Nature! Goulet!

Anyway check out the CD you'll just love it. Or my name isn't Robert Goulet.

If the video above isn't working, try below:

It's A Magical World!

Originally on PBH3.

Global Consumption of Coca-Cola

Or why America is morbidly obese and health care will never work:

Originally from ProseBeforeHos: Coca-Cola Consumption Per Capita

What Is Really Wrong With Parents These Days, Part 2

Probation by age 13. Call it an educated guess.

Sexual Education Now Includes Live Demonstrations For Courting

The Immaculate Interception

Washington's Mason Foster intercepted a deflected pass off the foot of Arizona's Delashaun Dean and returned the carom 37 yards for a touchdown with 2:37 left, and the Huskies rallied with two touchdowns in the final three minutes to stun the Wildcats 36-33 on Saturday night. Quarterback Nick Foles tried to throw a quick screen that had worked against the Huskies' defense all night.

The screen was read by Washington's defense, and Foles tried to hit Dean. The throw was low and behind Dean, deflecting off his left foot and into the arms of Foster who ran untouched for the shocking touchdown.

The noise following the interception and touchdown was so deafening that cameras inside the stadium began to shake and vibrate.

A Depressed Pug

You Ever Seen Kenny Rogers Fake Out Michael Jordan?

Because it really happened:

This epic footage of a young Michael playing ball against Larry Bird, Dominique Wilkins and Kenny Rogers — yes, that Kenny Rogers! — during the country-singer-cum-chicken-magnate's "Classic Weekend" in 1988. The best part? Kenny Rogers hitting a shot over Jordan

An Ant Raft

Red imported fire ants are extremely resilient and have adapted to contend with both flooding and drought conditions. If the ants sense increased water levels in their nests, they will come together and form a huge ball or raft that is able to float on the water, with the workers on the outside and the queen inside. Once the ball hits a tree or other stationary object, the ants swarm onto it and wait for the water levels to recede. To contend with drought conditions, their nest structure includes a network of underground foraging tunnels that extends down to the water table. Also, despite the fact that they do not hibernate during the winter, colonies can survive cold conditions as low as 16 °F (−9 °C).

And if you have problems with the YouTube video, an alternative is below: