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Showing posts with label video. Show all posts
Showing posts with label video. Show all posts

To An Athlete Dying Old

Maybe it is because he’s lean, mean, and lets his weapon do the talking. Or maybe it is because TBS used to play all the Western movies on repeat. But whatever it is, I’ve always thought of Chipper Jones as the Clint Eastwood of baseball.

Clint Eastwood said goodbye to the West in the Oscar-winning “Unforgiven”. His skin is leathered over after years under the searing Western sun. His morals shot after decades of gunfights (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XoAPKt7kbD0) . The Man With No Name is just another weathered cowboy. “I'm just a fella now,” he reflects. “I ain't no different than anyone else no more.”

Major league baseball is nearly as cruel. A breaking-down Chipper Jones is bidding a wistful farewell to the game. Chipper confessed after 16 years wrangling pitchers and the New York Mets, “we all know where I’m leaning.” But Chipper doesn’t want your pity. He doesn’t want to be a distraction, and the last thing he wants is a farewell tour.

The son of the South is an old 38 now. He was never a perfect man, but now the battle-scars are really showing. His mythical bat speed ain’t what it used to be. His creaky hip aches chronically. His feet, leaden. Chipper doesn’t crush home runs anymore. He takes his walks or sprays Texas leaguers just over the second baseman’s head.

But just when you think he’s done. Just when you think Chipper’s gone to the well one too many times, he laces a two-run gapper to left-field. Chipper trots into second, un-Velcroes his batting gloves, and cracks that crooked grin of his. And fathers across the South look over at their sons and say, there goes the greatest third basemen who ever lived.



*****


This is the west, sir. When the legend becomes fact, print the legend. -- The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance

Chipper Jones was always MY ATHLETE. His bat helped fuel the Atlanta Braves to an unprecedented 14 straight division titles, or Kindergarten through my Sophomore year of college. He’s the one younger, chubbier me used to muddy my Nikes imitating in the backyard Georgia clay. The scowl. The gnashing bubble gum. The signature toe-tap. The swing of beauty. (Warning: Results may vary.)

Younger Chipper Jones copy-catted the 1970s Los Angeles Dodgers’ swings in his Florida backyard.: Steve Garvey, Davey Lopes, then he’d switch to the other side of the plate for the left-handed hitters. And that’s the other thing. Chipper Jones is a switch hitter. Third baseman Mike Schmidt hit more homeruns. George Brett had the higher batting average (and pine tar). But Chipper Jones is the best switch hitter in the history of the game after a fella named Mickey Mantle.

Now, it’s true. Chicks dig the long ball:



But you’d fall in love with Chipper Jones’ game. He’s never mashed Ruthian home run blasts. Instead, he is a rare blend of discipline and power. A career .300 batting average/.400 OBP/.500 slugging kind of guy. In translation, ladies, he has great eyes, power, and knows a thing or two about getting to first. The sexiest part about the back of his baseball card isn’t the World Series title, the MVP trophy, or the string of .300, 30 home run, 100 RBI seasons. It’s that he’s spent his entire career with the Atlanta Braves.

In the age of free agency and $300 million contracts, Chipper’s loyalty is an anachronism. He could have bailed when the going got tough in Atlanta. But he just reworked his contract so the team could afford more payroll flexibility. Now, in the twilight of his sparkling Hall of Fame career, Chipper’s ready to renegotiate his deal to give millions BACK to the Braves so the small-market team can have more cash in the war chest to win, even if it’s without him.

Maybe the greatest accolade of all is Chipper Jones is the anti-ARod. Alex Rodriguez couldn’t win a ring with the hand he has dealt. So he jumped ship to the Rangers and took steroids for three years. He couldn’t win there either so he switched teams and even his fielding position. He finally won his ring (albeit, in Derek Jeter’s shadow), but he’ll always be a juicer nomad who chased the money out of town. His records will always end with an Asterisk.

In the age of steroids, perhaps the greatest compliment is Chipper aged the way stars are supposed to age. 38 year olds don’t crush titanic blasts deep into the seats (see: Bonds, Barry). They don’t whip crackling 96 MPH fastballs down the pike (Clemens, Roger). They lose a step. They fall asleep in the clubhouse during games (Griffey Jr., Ken).

With the exception of Evander Holyfield, we can never tell champions of the game when to hang them up. For every Brett Favre career year at age 40, there are a dozen more cautionary tales. In the 1970s, Willie Mays looked pitiful stumbling around Shea’s outfield. In the 2000s, Michael Jordan looked strange and human balling in a Wizards jersey. Nowadays, twenty-something nobodies are dusting Lance Armstrong in Texas road-races. Yet, we can’t say anything. They earned the right to play as long as they wanted. And there’s a certain ephemeral beauty in it. These all-time greats reigned over the game for so long finally get their comeuppances at the hands of Father Time.

Chipper, on the other hand, is leaving on his own time. Sure, he could squeeze out 3-4 more seasons for an outside shot at 500 HRs, but he’s got too much pride. His bust in Cooperstown is already measured.

*****


Clint Eastwood is arguably an even better director than actor. Likewise, Jones may be an even craftier marketer. His real name is Larry, but he renamed himself Chipper because he figured a guy named Larry Jones could never be famous. Chipper named one of his sons Shea in honor of the favorite demolition derby—the Mets’ old stadium. Now this whole season when he should be ticking off his lasts—last walk-off home run, Wrigley Field trip, and (hopefully) playoffs—he’s thinking about all the firsts he’s missing with his four youngsters back home.

And maybe, just maybe, one of them will grow into a Braves jersey and make Mets fans groan: not again.

Will Ferrell Does Robert Goulet



Hello I'm Robert Goulet! Da da de da da do. I know one thing we can agree on when a professional gets his mitts on a song that's when it really takes off. Da da de da da do ba dob a do. That's why I've gone out and done the music world a frickin' service, and cut this compact disc. It's called The Coconut Bangers Ball: It's A Rap. Ha Ha Ha -- a little inside, I know. Anyway what you get is one full hour of rip roarin' rap music. Not by some dubious ruffians without the chops, but by a professionally trained voice man. No musical accompaniment. It's just me out there. Watch what I do with this little ditty from Sisco called the "Thong Song."

"Oh girl that dress is so scandalous,
And you know another nigga couldn't handle it.
You see dumps like a truck, truck, truck
Not like a what, what, what
Baby move you butt,butt,butt
I think I'll sing it again
Sha bang, sha bop,bop bop.
Thong Song"

Something like that. Hey, you wouldn't let a clown fix a leak in the john. So why do you let these hooligans tear down the biz. Yeah!!! I don't care if he is mister Notorious Big. Can he croon?

"Poppa, I like it when you call me Big Poppa
Throw your hands in the air if you think your a playa
Poppa, I love it when you call me Big Poppa
To the honeys makin' money playin' niggaz just like dummies
Poppa"

You get the idea. We call it Coconut Bangers Ball: It's A Rap. It's Snoopy, Dre, Biggie, Puff Man, Cooooooooolio, the whole bunch.

"Who let the dogs out,
Who let those dogs out,
Who let those little mutts gooooooooooo!
Yeah! Goulet!"

Well I gotta a gig to make, but do yourself a big favor alright and go out and ( Big Horn walks into scene) hold on lookee here. It's a big horn. Well! (grabs bowl of food) That's why I come up here. Look at you. You're hungry. You don't even blink do you. Quick -- staring contest me and you! Now!

You win, you always do. That's why I come up here.

Nature! Goulet!

Anyway check out the CD you'll just love it. Or my name isn't Robert Goulet.

If the video above isn't working, try below:

Sexual Education Now Includes Live Demonstrations For Courting

The Immaculate Interception



Washington's Mason Foster intercepted a deflected pass off the foot of Arizona's Delashaun Dean and returned the carom 37 yards for a touchdown with 2:37 left, and the Huskies rallied with two touchdowns in the final three minutes to stun the Wildcats 36-33 on Saturday night. Quarterback Nick Foles tried to throw a quick screen that had worked against the Huskies' defense all night.

The screen was read by Washington's defense, and Foles tried to hit Dean. The throw was low and behind Dean, deflecting off his left foot and into the arms of Foster who ran untouched for the shocking touchdown.

The noise following the interception and touchdown was so deafening that cameras inside the stadium began to shake and vibrate.

You Ever Seen Kenny Rogers Fake Out Michael Jordan?

Because it really happened:



This epic footage of a young Michael playing ball against Larry Bird, Dominique Wilkins and Kenny Rogers — yes, that Kenny Rogers! — during the country-singer-cum-chicken-magnate's "Classic Weekend" in 1988. The best part? Kenny Rogers hitting a shot over Jordan

Worst Boxer Ever

This isn't an April Fools joke. Brian "The Mullet" Sutherland is very real, and very, very bad at boxing:



Whoever arranged this fight has a very good sense of humor.

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You Ever Seen A Turtle Bust A Nut?

Sean Connery Explains When It's OK To Hit A Woman

A Cat and Monkey Make Out

Well, I thought I had everything the internet had to offer me. But then I saw a cat and monkey make out:



Apparently, this is some sort of regular occurrence that I never knew about:





Peanut Butter Disproves Evolution. No, Seriously.



Who would have thought that the answers to the mysteries of the universe lie at the bottom of a jar of peanut butter? Well, they do if you believe creationist Chuck Missler's 'educational' video.

Missler, who is billed as an engineer and author, tries to disprove claims by evolutionists that energy plus matter sometimes results in the creation of life.

His theory is that, since no-one has ever found spontaneously-generated life in a jar of peanut butter, matter plus energy from the sun could not have caused life on Earth.

Peanut Butter Disproves Evolution Wut

Missler explains: "A jar of peanut butter contains matter and is exposed to light and heat but we never find new life inside unless an outside life contaminates it.

"If the theory of evolution is viable then I should, occasionally, by subjecting this to energy, end up having new life.

"If I open this jar of peanut butter, maybe not often but on some occasion, I should find new life inside but when we open the jar of peanut butter and look in there, there's no new life."

Beyonce Sings The Auto-Tune Blues



Originally on Disgraceful and Sexy.

Bears Playing Hockey

As creepy and disconcerting as it sounds:



And yes folks, it's real:

Last fall the bloggers seemed wary that the videos were a CGI trick, but they’re not. Hockey-playing bears are actually something of a tradition in Russia. Terry Jones wrote in The Edmonton Sun in December 1998 of the Moscow Circus on Ice’s tour of Canada, and how three Russian Oilers — Mikhail Shtalenkov, Andrei Kovalenko and Boris Mironov — went to a small rink in Clive, Alta., for a photo op with the bears...

But questions of animal cruelty aside. Are you disturbed by how eerily close bear-hockey is to real hockey? Does seeing something like that make you wonder just how different we humans are from the animals over whom we supposedly have dominion?


BONUS BEAR HOCKEY:

Fox News is Fucking Crazy



"Little did I know, Mr. Rogers was an evil man. By telling children they're special just for being who they are, he helped create this generation of worthless, lazy socialists who think they're entitled to rewards without working... at least according to Fox News.

Watch the video. The Fox News anchors are completely serious when they attribute the differences in academic performance between Asian and American kids to the fact that Asian children didn't grow up with Mr. Rogers telling them they were unique and special. It's not that we have a failing education system or that parents aren't instilling the proper work ethic in their children. American children under perform because Mr. Rogers taught them to expect everything in life to be handed to them on a silver platter.

They actually use the word "evil" to describe Mr. Rogers and criticize him for his "optimistic message." Then one of them starts babbling about how children should go back to churning butter and making their own sweaters. I didn't make it all the way to the end, but I wouldn't be surprised if they blamed him for 9/11.

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