That's what you get for trying to be tough around a treadmill. Full video below:
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
I'm So Ghetto On This Treadmill.... Ut oh...
That's what you get for trying to be tough around a treadmill. Full video below:
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UPS Package Delivery Instructions
But what about when they come to your door for the one minute you've decided to go to the bathroom? [via Alligator Sunglasses]
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The Best 5 Pranks Of All Time
Ever been Chatroulette pranked? A buddy, lets call him Jean, catches you in the packed school library and raves about this scintillating new website—Chatroulette.com. Its part YouTube/part Facebook, and its completely taking the web by storm. Even Jessica Alba and Ashton Kutcher use it, he says. So you check it out, spin through the crystal-clear video chats. First time you may get some college frat dudes. Next, probably an empty room, maybe a Goth chick. But within 5 or 6 spins BAM! there’s a pudgy Eastern European naked—or worse—staring right back at you. Except he wasn’t just staring at me. He was also scoping out the mortified Corporate Finance study group seated behind me. He gave them a creepy little wave, and… it was awkward. In honor of graduation and the pending Senior Pranks here are five legendary pranks to pull on your school or my “friend”:
5. During the 2006 World Cup, German hooligans painted cement balls over to look exactly like soccer balls. The pranksters then added signs reading: Can you kick it?
4. Jimmy Fallon has his own late-night show. Trust me. Bored NBC executives have been pranking all of us. I’ve just been waiting 15 months for the punchline. And the first result for 'Jimmy Fallon Is Not Funny' in Google is his performance at the VMA's... I can hardly disagree:
3. The New York-based CollegeHumor.com comedians Streeter and Amir have been locked in an unforgettable prank war for years. Streeter most recently exacted his revenge in the infamous Half-Court Shot Prank. Amir was “randomly” selected to take a blind-folded half-court shot for $500,000 during half-time at a University of Maryland basketball game. While Amir was debriefed in a sound-proof room, Streeter got the Terrapin crowd to play along with him. Amir came out minutes later and heaved the shot. The ball bounced harmlessly 20 feet wide and 10 feet short of the basket. But Streeter and the crowd cheered wildly as though Amir pulled off the unthinkable. Amir ripped off his blindfold, believing the applause. And the fans egged Amir on as he sprinted across the court ecstatically thinking he had won a half-million dollars. Streeter broke the news minutes later:
Kansas high schoolers tried to copy-cat with their basketball coach this January. There was just one problem. He nailed the shot. All the stunned high schoolers could fork over was a $10 Chipotle gift card, but the video became a YouTube sensation and the media exposure netted him Final Four tickets this year:
2. From humans hidden inside toilets to fake sniper hoaxes, Japanese game shows are in to some twisted jokes. In the United States they would be instant lawsuits, but in Japan they make for humdrum evening TV. The more innocuous variety is the crowd prank:
An unsuspecting Japanese businessman ambles down the street when suddenly 100 screaming people run in the opposite reaction. Sometimes they chase down the businessman, other times they swarm as a mosh pit and toss him up and down in the air, but every time is a sure bet to YouTube away your afternoon.
1. New Trier High School students in Illinois master-minded the granddaddy of all high school pranks: the Pig Prank. Seniors scooped up three massive pigs, Sharpied #1, #2, #4 on their backs, and let them loose, hog-wild in the school. School administrators located piggies #1, #2, and #4 within the hour, but they closed the school for several days before realizing there was no piggy #3.
Via All That's Interesting: The Top 5 Greatest Pranks
5. During the 2006 World Cup, German hooligans painted cement balls over to look exactly like soccer balls. The pranksters then added signs reading: Can you kick it?
4. Jimmy Fallon has his own late-night show. Trust me. Bored NBC executives have been pranking all of us. I’ve just been waiting 15 months for the punchline. And the first result for 'Jimmy Fallon Is Not Funny' in Google is his performance at the VMA's... I can hardly disagree:
3. The New York-based CollegeHumor.com comedians Streeter and Amir have been locked in an unforgettable prank war for years. Streeter most recently exacted his revenge in the infamous Half-Court Shot Prank. Amir was “randomly” selected to take a blind-folded half-court shot for $500,000 during half-time at a University of Maryland basketball game. While Amir was debriefed in a sound-proof room, Streeter got the Terrapin crowd to play along with him. Amir came out minutes later and heaved the shot. The ball bounced harmlessly 20 feet wide and 10 feet short of the basket. But Streeter and the crowd cheered wildly as though Amir pulled off the unthinkable. Amir ripped off his blindfold, believing the applause. And the fans egged Amir on as he sprinted across the court ecstatically thinking he had won a half-million dollars. Streeter broke the news minutes later:
Kansas high schoolers tried to copy-cat with their basketball coach this January. There was just one problem. He nailed the shot. All the stunned high schoolers could fork over was a $10 Chipotle gift card, but the video became a YouTube sensation and the media exposure netted him Final Four tickets this year:
2. From humans hidden inside toilets to fake sniper hoaxes, Japanese game shows are in to some twisted jokes. In the United States they would be instant lawsuits, but in Japan they make for humdrum evening TV. The more innocuous variety is the crowd prank:
An unsuspecting Japanese businessman ambles down the street when suddenly 100 screaming people run in the opposite reaction. Sometimes they chase down the businessman, other times they swarm as a mosh pit and toss him up and down in the air, but every time is a sure bet to YouTube away your afternoon.
1. New Trier High School students in Illinois master-minded the granddaddy of all high school pranks: the Pig Prank. Seniors scooped up three massive pigs, Sharpied #1, #2, #4 on their backs, and let them loose, hog-wild in the school. School administrators located piggies #1, #2, and #4 within the hour, but they closed the school for several days before realizing there was no piggy #3.
Via All That's Interesting: The Top 5 Greatest Pranks
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The Only Dating Article You Ever Need
“Why do American girls play these games?”, my buddy asks. He’s French. Now in New York City, he’s a 21st century Tocqueville of sorts. But instead of seeing the boundless potential of American democracy, Jean is puzzled by the Byzantine paradoxes of the American dating scene: “Why do they always wait 2+ hours before texting back?”, “Why are they so sarcastic?”
Now I know in Europe there are probably Absinthe-fueled sex parties on the regular, but we’re in America. Call us quaint, but we never did shed our Puritan roots. And we’ve impeached a President for less. There are rules here:
She Asks, “Does This Make Me Look Fat?”: Smile sweetly and say, “Nothing could make you look fat.” WARNING: Any variation from this answer may result in death by impalement.
McFlurries: The ideal date dessert. And Oreo, not M&M. You need the crumbles.
She Says Nothing Is Wrong: She means, everything is. All hands on deck. We’re at DEFCON 5.
The 3 Day Rule (Alternatively: The 7 Day, Second Tuesday From Now, Sometime Before Labor Day Rule): You seem desperate if you call that Sunday evening. I hate this rule and fortunately the taboo seems to be lifting. I’m not calling you the next day because I’m miserable. I’m calling you the next day because I like you and really want to talk to you.
Gold Diggers: See: Manhattan, The Upper East Side.
Pick Up Lines: The Most Interesting Man In The World from the Dos Equis beer ads put it best: “There’s a time and a place for them. The time is never. I’ll let you figure out the place for yourself.”
Don’t dwell on the silky smooth, James Bond opener. You aren’t that important or that witty. In a pinch, a simple “Hi, I’m—” will always suffice.
Man Law #102: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.
You Forgot Her Name: You are doomed, but Option 1—You pull up a friend and don’t say anything so she introduces herself to him. Drawback: She knows exactly what you’re doing. Option 2—You say, “You have such a lovely name. How do you spell it?” Drawback: Her name is Kim. Or Pam.
Sadly name-forgetting is an epidemic afflicting most Generation Y’ers. Tom Wolfe, a.k.a. America’s best living writer observed, “Today's first base is deep kissing, now known as tonsil hockey, plus groping and fondling this and that. Second base is oral sex. Third base is going all the way. Home plate is learning each other's names.”
The Age/2+7 Rule: Take your age, divide by 2, and add 7. If you’re 26, you can date down to a 20 year old. If you’re 30, 22. It’s near-Man Law but it’s up for review. You can do it. Though it still looks odd.
The Age/2+7: Corollary: If you’re asking if you can round down, you really need to reevaluate the entire situation to begin with. (I’m talking to you, Ricky.) Exceptions: Clint Eastwood, Sean Connery. Dirty Harry and James Bond can do whatever they want.
She Doesn’t Answer Your Call: Leave a text. Not a voicemail message. It never comes out well. And leaving rambling voice mails leads men to do crazy things. Larry David famously once broke into a girl’s apartment to delete a particularly meandering message. Besides, Americans born after 1982 are allergic to voicemail anyway. Text. And keep it short. Texting should be Hemingway, not Dickens.
She Doesn’t Answer Your 3rd Call: Move on.
“Outpunting Your Coverage”: To vastly outperform your sexual market value. Non-Brad Pitts can still find their Angelina, too. It just takes a lot longer, and it helps if you’re funny. The truth is there’s no such thing as a “league”. Just self-doubt. After all, Julia Roberts once wed Lyle Lovett. Supermodel Adriana Lima is married and hopelessly in love with Marco Juric, a guy averaging 2.6 points a night off the bench for the Memphis Grizzles. Like they say in “Dumb & Dumber”: “So you’re telling me there’s a chance!?!”
“The Game” Pick-Up Artists: A book “The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pick-up Artists” hit bookshelves in 2004 and has ruined malls and parks ever since. The book empowered legions of sketchy dudes to pursue girls by picking on their self-esteem. Tactics include: carrying around a piece of lint and placing it on the target’s shoulder; off-putting lines (called “negs”) like: “Your eyes are pretty. May I touch them?” I won’t deny these creeps occasionally outpunt their coverage. But I also won’t deny they dress like fairies and have no friends.
The “Super Bad” Rule: No, not one-name fake IDs. Or that awkward, angst-ridden teens will conquer the world. But Seth Rogen’s tip, “a major turning point in my life was when I realized you don’t want to meet a chick in a bar. Go to a farmer's market or a pumpkin patch… depending on the time of year.” a) You don’t want to tell your kids you met their mom during a sweaty game of flip cup at Brother Jimmy’s. b) If a girl hooks up with you the first night at a bar, you aren’t her first, nor the last. You know when Woody Allen quips, "I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member." It’s kind of like that...
Woody Allen: Woody achieved arguably one of the greatest human accomplishments of the 20th century in 1977. He made bespectacled, neurotic Manhattan Jews sexually viable, even desirable, to women with the movie “Annie Hall”. Think of NASA astronauts who walked on the moon and what they’ve done since.
Once you reach the zenith of human achievement, what do you do with yourself on sleepy Saturday afternoons? Most drink, get depressed. Woody Allen opted to cheat with and then marry his girlfriend’s adopted daughter.
Mila Kunis: Sure, Megan Fox and Jessica Alba crack every fella’s top 5 hottest women on the planet list. But deep down, we are obsessed with Mila Kunis from “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”. Her smoldering, white-hot looks overshadowed only by her down-for-whatever, Hawaiian persona. Deep down, every 20-something guy wishes he was with her. Ironic because she’s dating Macaley Culkin. Who every 20-something guy wishes he was… when he was 7.
What Could Have Been: The four saddest words in the English language. Just ask her. Obviously, easier said than done. But worst case scenario, she says no. Best case, she’s your wife.
Take heart, Jean. The love of your life will be one in a million. So if she’s in New York City there should 7 of them.
Now I know in Europe there are probably Absinthe-fueled sex parties on the regular, but we’re in America. Call us quaint, but we never did shed our Puritan roots. And we’ve impeached a President for less. There are rules here:
She Asks, “Does This Make Me Look Fat?”: Smile sweetly and say, “Nothing could make you look fat.” WARNING: Any variation from this answer may result in death by impalement.
McFlurries: The ideal date dessert. And Oreo, not M&M. You need the crumbles.
She Says Nothing Is Wrong: She means, everything is. All hands on deck. We’re at DEFCON 5.
The 3 Day Rule (Alternatively: The 7 Day, Second Tuesday From Now, Sometime Before Labor Day Rule): You seem desperate if you call that Sunday evening. I hate this rule and fortunately the taboo seems to be lifting. I’m not calling you the next day because I’m miserable. I’m calling you the next day because I like you and really want to talk to you.
Gold Diggers: See: Manhattan, The Upper East Side.
Pick Up Lines: The Most Interesting Man In The World from the Dos Equis beer ads put it best: “There’s a time and a place for them. The time is never. I’ll let you figure out the place for yourself.”
Don’t dwell on the silky smooth, James Bond opener. You aren’t that important or that witty. In a pinch, a simple “Hi, I’m—” will always suffice.
Man Law #102: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.
You Forgot Her Name: You are doomed, but Option 1—You pull up a friend and don’t say anything so she introduces herself to him. Drawback: She knows exactly what you’re doing. Option 2—You say, “You have such a lovely name. How do you spell it?” Drawback: Her name is Kim. Or Pam.
Sadly name-forgetting is an epidemic afflicting most Generation Y’ers. Tom Wolfe, a.k.a. America’s best living writer observed, “Today's first base is deep kissing, now known as tonsil hockey, plus groping and fondling this and that. Second base is oral sex. Third base is going all the way. Home plate is learning each other's names.”
The Age/2+7 Rule: Take your age, divide by 2, and add 7. If you’re 26, you can date down to a 20 year old. If you’re 30, 22. It’s near-Man Law but it’s up for review. You can do it. Though it still looks odd.
The Age/2+7: Corollary: If you’re asking if you can round down, you really need to reevaluate the entire situation to begin with. (I’m talking to you, Ricky.) Exceptions: Clint Eastwood, Sean Connery. Dirty Harry and James Bond can do whatever they want.
She Doesn’t Answer Your Call: Leave a text. Not a voicemail message. It never comes out well. And leaving rambling voice mails leads men to do crazy things. Larry David famously once broke into a girl’s apartment to delete a particularly meandering message. Besides, Americans born after 1982 are allergic to voicemail anyway. Text. And keep it short. Texting should be Hemingway, not Dickens.
She Doesn’t Answer Your 3rd Call: Move on.
“Outpunting Your Coverage”: To vastly outperform your sexual market value. Non-Brad Pitts can still find their Angelina, too. It just takes a lot longer, and it helps if you’re funny. The truth is there’s no such thing as a “league”. Just self-doubt. After all, Julia Roberts once wed Lyle Lovett. Supermodel Adriana Lima is married and hopelessly in love with Marco Juric, a guy averaging 2.6 points a night off the bench for the Memphis Grizzles. Like they say in “Dumb & Dumber”: “So you’re telling me there’s a chance!?!”
“The Game” Pick-Up Artists: A book “The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pick-up Artists” hit bookshelves in 2004 and has ruined malls and parks ever since. The book empowered legions of sketchy dudes to pursue girls by picking on their self-esteem. Tactics include: carrying around a piece of lint and placing it on the target’s shoulder; off-putting lines (called “negs”) like: “Your eyes are pretty. May I touch them?” I won’t deny these creeps occasionally outpunt their coverage. But I also won’t deny they dress like fairies and have no friends.
The “Super Bad” Rule: No, not one-name fake IDs. Or that awkward, angst-ridden teens will conquer the world. But Seth Rogen’s tip, “a major turning point in my life was when I realized you don’t want to meet a chick in a bar. Go to a farmer's market or a pumpkin patch… depending on the time of year.” a) You don’t want to tell your kids you met their mom during a sweaty game of flip cup at Brother Jimmy’s. b) If a girl hooks up with you the first night at a bar, you aren’t her first, nor the last. You know when Woody Allen quips, "I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member." It’s kind of like that...
Woody Allen: Woody achieved arguably one of the greatest human accomplishments of the 20th century in 1977. He made bespectacled, neurotic Manhattan Jews sexually viable, even desirable, to women with the movie “Annie Hall”. Think of NASA astronauts who walked on the moon and what they’ve done since.
Once you reach the zenith of human achievement, what do you do with yourself on sleepy Saturday afternoons? Most drink, get depressed. Woody Allen opted to cheat with and then marry his girlfriend’s adopted daughter.
Mila Kunis: Sure, Megan Fox and Jessica Alba crack every fella’s top 5 hottest women on the planet list. But deep down, we are obsessed with Mila Kunis from “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”. Her smoldering, white-hot looks overshadowed only by her down-for-whatever, Hawaiian persona. Deep down, every 20-something guy wishes he was with her. Ironic because she’s dating Macaley Culkin. Who every 20-something guy wishes he was… when he was 7.
What Could Have Been: The four saddest words in the English language. Just ask her. Obviously, easier said than done. But worst case scenario, she says no. Best case, she’s your wife.
Take heart, Jean. The love of your life will be one in a million. So if she’s in New York City there should 7 of them.
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Krampus: The Skeezy, Demonic Anti-Santa Claus
Did you know there is an anti-Santa Claus? His name is Krampus, a mythical creature who accompanies Saint Nicholas in various regions of the world during the Christmas season. Krampus acts as an anti–Saint Nicholas, who instead of giving gifts to good children, gives warnings and punishments to the bad children. To the surprise of few, Krampus also loves to visit the homes of well-endowed young females to dole out attentive punishments, as evidenced by the photos below:
Originally on ProseBeforeHos: Krampus: The Perverted Anti-Santa Claus and PBH3: Bizarro Santa Is Angry And Loves Spanking Young Women.
Originally on ProseBeforeHos: Krampus: The Perverted Anti-Santa Claus and PBH3: Bizarro Santa Is Angry And Loves Spanking Young Women.
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