Prose Before Hos 2

The Best Content Of The PBH Network From April

2011-05-02T04:16:00.000-07:00

It's been quite an April for the PBH Network: over 5 million visitors, our first (record-setting!) 500,000 visitor day, and over 3,600 fans on Facebook. With such a great month, we wanted to recap the best performing content from April from across the PBH Network:

5. What Happens When A Hippie Gives You 30 Hits Of Acid

Our unnamed protagonist -- a worker at a local coffee shop -- describes how he would leave out food for the homeless, only to have his generosity repaid one fateful evening by a local hippie who proceeded to put 30 hits of acid into his mouth. What would follow was an incredible journey told brilliantly by the narrator.

4. Dam Goats!

The funny thing about goats is they are the most goofy yet adroit, sure-footed creatures on the planet. And nothing displays it better than this photoseries of them climbing an almost completely vertical dam in Italy.

3. Introducing Your Worst Nightmare: Karate Kyle

You picked on him in junior high, but Kyle came back after summer vacation with a new trick up his sleeve: Karate. Now he's going to make everyone pay for the injustice that he has faced.

2. What Will Happen If Gay Marriage Is Legalized?

We didn't include an image because... well, we don't want to give the secret away! But people from across the internet have called this the only graph you need on gay marriage.

1. The First Zombie-Proof House

We all know it's coming, it's just a matter of time: the zombie apocalypse. Luckily, a Polish architecture firm designed the world's first zombie-proof house. You will not be disappointed.

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Be sure to check out all the PBH Network has to offer: ProseBeforeHos, Alligator Sunglasses, Runt Of The Web, PBH2, and All That Is Interesting. Thanks again to all of our fans and supporters for a great month!

I'm So Ghetto On This Treadmill.... Ut oh...

2010-12-01T01:12:00.001-08:00

That's what you get for trying to be tough around a treadmill. Full video below:

Screamer Prank Gone Right

2010-11-11T07:37:00.000-08:00

Full video below:

UPS Package Delivery Instructions

2010-11-07T04:51:00.000-08:00

But what about when they come to your door for the one minute you've decided to go to the bathroom? [via Alligator Sunglasses]

Catnip Is A Hellofa Drug

2010-09-22T23:57:00.000-07:00

Mass Hysteria After The Death Of Kim Il-sung

2010-09-22T23:53:00.000-07:00

In July 1994, Kim Il-sung, the communist leader of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea (North Korea), died from a sudden heart attack at the age of 82. His death caused a nationwide mourning crisis, and a ten-day mourning period was declared by his son and successor, Kim Jong-il.

His funeral in Pyongyang was attended by hundreds of thousands of people from all over North Korea, many of whom were mourning dramatically (there were reports that many people committed suicide or were killed in the resulting mass mourning crushes), weeping and crying Kim Il-sung's name during the funeral procession. Since his death, Yeong Saeng ("eternal life") monuments have been erected throughout the country, each dedicated to the departed "Eternal Leader" at which citizens are expected to pay annual tribute on his official birthday or the anniversary of his death.

After the Korean war and the consolidation of power under Kim Il-sung in North Korea, a personality cult began to develop centered on the ideology of Kim Il-sung. Kim established extensive personality cult, and North Koreans began to address him as "Great Leader". Kim developed the policy and ideology of Juche (self-reliance) rather than having North Korea become a Soviet satellite state.

Follow The PBH Network On Twitter & The New Digg

2010-08-25T05:21:00.000-07:00

PBH Network was lucky enough to get VIP invites for its readers for the alpha version of the new Digg. Want to try out the new Digg? Just follow this link to sign up.

Already on the new Digg? Follow PBH Network!

And as always, subscribe to PBH2's RSS feed and follow PBH Network on Twitter.

The Fear Of Flight From 32,000 Feet

2010-08-15T08:07:00.000-07:00

This isn’t normal. Glasses aren’t supposed to roll off the flight attendant’s table and shatter on the floor. The pilot isn’t supposed to sound so shaky on the flight PA. We’re 32,000 feet over the icy North Pacific Ocean. A butterfly-in-your stomach dip later and we’re 31,800 feet up.

Your whole life is supposed to flash in front of you in moments like these. The big events—graduations, weddings, Super Bowls. And the even more memorable, smaller events—sleepy Sunday brunches with the favorites, Chinese checkers games with the grandparents.

And I did think about all that. Eventually. But at that moment—at the very moment when my life hung in the balance—I was thinking about college basketball. I was wondering if Duke had enough inside presence to survive the ACC. I was thinking about March Madness brackets and why some company didn’t just offer $1 billion to anyone who correctly predicted every game AND the championship game final score.

In my defense: 1) Not even the prophetic Paul the Octopus would win the billion, and the free publicity would be a marketing bonanza. 2) Such random near-death thoughts are not uncommon. One “Miracle on the Hudson” passenger reported all she could think about during Captain Chesley B. “Sully” Sullenberger’s valorous water-landing was how she never cleaned out her garage.

The plane barreled through another gust. Passengers gasped. I sighed: this is it. Vague feelings of unfilled potential. Things I’d never said. Books I’d never read. Countries I’d only seen on Rand McNally rainbow colored world maps. Then the hodge-podge check-lists of lasts. The last meal I would ever eat was those Biscotti airline cookies and tomato juice. The last conversation I would ever have with my younger brother was my secret trick to baking the best pre-made Tollhouse chocolate chip cookies on Earth (Patent pending). The last movie I would ever see was the in-flight film “Nights In Rodanthe”, starring Diane Lane, Richard Gere –which would have arguably been the greatest tragedy of all.

And then calm. Ten minutes later, the pilot turned off the fasten seat belt sign. 30 minutes later, the flight attendant drink cart rolled down the aisle again. And 5 hours later, the soggy McGriddle sandwich at O’Hare that remains to this day the best meal I’ve ever had.

*****

I know. The odds of dying in a plane crash are 1 in 11 million. You are more than 100 times more likely to be killed by a swarm of killer bees. Statistically, you are much more at risk driving to the airport. “Relax,” my dad always says. “It’s out of control. Let it go.”

But flying just doesn’t feel right. And percentages and common sense mean nothing to me when the plane ride gets bumpy. So below are three leading methods I’ve devised to cope with my fear of flying (starting with least effective):

1) The Stay Up The Whole Night Before Strategy: In theory, you will be so tired you will sleep through the turbulence. In practice, you just end up exhausted and terrified. If you’re lucky.

In college I was supposed to fly to Hawaii for Spring Break. I stayed up all night with my buddies, but I still magically made it to LaGuardia. I made it through security. And I even made it to the gate, where I promptly fell asleep. I woke up five hours later to find out I’d not only missed my scheduled flight but the only other one I could have boarded three hours afterward. Due to the Spring Break crush, it would cost $1400 to get on another flight. I instead paid $2.25 for the saddest Subway ride back to school of my life.

2) The Megan Fox Strategy: There’s a lot to like about Megan Fox.

My favorite detail, though, is how she deals with her fear of flying. Megan Fox knows it’s not her destiny to die listening to a Britney Spears song. So every time she flies she blasts a Britney Spears album on her iPhone.

Warning: Results may vary. I have confused many a fellow passenger when I boom “Oops, I Did It Again” on repeat. And I know the lyrics to “Toxic” far, far too well.

3) The American Pilots Are Meaner Argument: In his 2008 book Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell examined why plane crashes occurred in some developed countries more than others. He found the reason why certain nations suffered more plane crashes lay not so much in technological and quality control discrepancies but “the cultural heritage” of the pilot and First Officer. Gladwell argued there tended to be more plane crashes in Colombia because Colombian people tend to be more respectful to authority than people in other nations.

Essentially, the more obnoxious and blunt the pilot, the safer the plane. If a plane is running low on fuel, a meeker pilot would patiently wait on the command tower to reroute other planes and wave him in. But could you picture a loudmouth pilot from the Bronx being put on hold by headquarters before he was signaled in? It’s for this reason Australia’s Quantas Airlines last fatal airplane crash took place in 1951.

*****

Don’t tell the fine folks at Delta, but I have a Superpower. The rest of the world would call it a technical glitch. My dad and I share the same first initial (K) and last name (Moats). Somehow Delta Airlines fused our accounts and SkyMiles together years ago. So collectively, we have flown over 1 million miles and are automatically upgraded to first class anytime we fly Delta. When I check in curbside, the bag guy typically looks down at his computer, looks over at my passport, and finally looks up at me puzzled. “Business,” I sigh. “It takes me everywhere.” Nonetheless, the K.Moats account has a long way to go before 10 million miles and its name stenciled on a plane like George Clooney. Current estimates peg our Estimated Time of Arrival at 2039.

Thirty years before the Air K.Moats, George Clooney mythologized the rarefied air of the ultimate jet-setter in the overlooked 2009 film “Up In The Air.” He is perfectly at ease at a life in transition in between time-zones, Hilton Hotels, and first class lounges. Clooney is ironically both surrounded and yet (spoiler alert) insulated from his fellow passengers:

Unfortunately for director Ivan Reitman and Mr. Clooney, “Up In The Air” was arguably a) too raw and b) too soon to be truly appreciated by Oscar voters. (See also: c) “Hurtlocker, The”) Still the film offers up one of the most poignant films of the Great Recession across the backdrop of phony corporatism and heartless downsizing. The movie also delivered the 6th greatest flying tip of all time:

6. George Clooney: [on getting through airport security] Never get behind old people. Their bodies are littered with hidden metal and they never seem to appreciate how little time they have left. Bingo, Asians. They pack light, travel efficiently, and they have a thing for slip on shoes. Gotta love 'em.
Anna Kendrick: That's racist.
George Clooney: I'm like my mother, I stereotype. It's faster.

5. Barring a razor-thin connection time, when the plane has taxied to the gate there is no reason to immediately spring up from your seat and grab your bags. You invariably just stand around shifting your weight for 5-7 minutes.

4. Rule #7.315: There’s a 63.1% chance you’ll order tomato juice on a plane. There is a 2.3% you’ll order tomato juice anywhere else.

3. “Man Law” Nominee #1,347: If you’re not in the aisle seat, you’re not allowed to get up to the bathroom more than once. Even the first time is pushing it.

2. Dear Every Airline Pilot Ever,

You realize you don’t have to speak so close to the mic on the PA. We can hear you. Your awkwardly-timed breaths? Those too.

1. Delta Airlines is the best U.S. airline. US Airways is the worst. But Southwest has the greatest flight attendants:

I hope these tips helped. And if you ever see an exhausted, terrified twenty-something listening to “Hit Me Baby One More Time” on your next Delta flight… don’t take it personally.

Republished from ProseBeforeHos: Up In The Air And Terrified.

Playing Music For Friends

2010-08-10T22:17:00.001-07:00

Mel Gibson Rants, As Presented By Cute Kittens

2010-08-04T20:34:00.000-07:00

Updates to the PBH Network

2010-07-25T10:14:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the lack of updates in the past week, we've been busy updating the sites of the PBH network:

* PBH3 is now Alligator Sunglasses.

* We've added Runt of the Web -- a similar site to Alligator Sunglasses with more Tumblr features and comment systems -- to the PBH network.

* All That Is Interesting and PBH2 now have their own domains.

Please check out our new sites and tell us how you like them! Otherwise, sign up for PBH2's RSS feed and support us by shopping at Amazon.

PBH2 Now Has It's Own Domain

2010-07-22T02:58:00.001-07:00

PBH2 has moved to www.pbh2.com!

Who's The Biggest Loser Of 2010?

2010-07-21T23:47:00.000-07:00

This is the second part of the Half Year In Review. See the first part here, 2010 Half Year In Review.

LeLoser Of The Half-Year, LeBron James: You had it all. You were the hometown boy bringing the local team to the cusp of NBA glory and immortality. You were so beloved even President Obama said he was you: “I’m LeBron, baby! I got this.”

But then you quit. You bailed on your Cleveland Cavaliers when the going got tough against the Celtics in the playoffs. Then you deserted them for good in free agency a few weeks later. The irony is your Cavaliers were arguably the best team in the league last year. Everyone just got hurt, including your own elbow—now closing in on 17,000 followers on Twitter. (http://twitter.com/lebronselbow) But you didn’t just bail on your home-state, you opted to dump Ohio on the grandest stage possible. You arranged an ESPN made-for-TV event dubbed “The Decision” to announce you would be “taking [your] talents to the South Beach”.

Admit it. You were afraid you’d be another Kevin Garnett. A.k.a. a freakish, high-school-straight-to-the-pros prodigy who let his prime years go to waste for an also-ran team in the Midwest. You panicked about the rings. Jordan won 6. Kobe now has 5. DWade, 1. You have 0.

And LeBacklash began. You, with the Akron area code inked on your arm had to flee your own state. Cleveland fans are burning your jersey. There’s now even a beer named after you. Great Lakes Brewing Co. created "Quitness", a dry hopped India pale ale that leaves an appropriately bitter aftertaste. The most recent batch sold out in three hours—almost as quickly as LeBron did.

So now we are all witnesses … to a sidekick in Miami. The Heat will always be Dwyane Wade’s team. He already brought Miami a championship, and now he miraculously recruited the top two players on the market to join him. LeBron will merely be the super-star who couldn’t win one with the cards he was dealt and bailed for the better hand. In baseball terms, LeBron will be the Alex Rodriguez to Dwyane Wade’s Derek Jeter.

In Star Wars terms, LeBron is now Anakin Skywalker. He switched to the Dark Side under the lure of the Evil Emperor (Pat Riley). But fortunately for the small market NBA team Jedi, there is one more. The day before LeBron admitted he couldn’t win a ring by himself, Kevin Durant quietly tweeted his 5 year extension with the Oklahoma City Thunder. Kevin Durant is the Luke Skywalker for the small-market team trying to compete with the massive media markets. Last season, Durant became the youngest scoring champ in NBA history, pushed the eventual champion LA Lakers to seven games, and flashed a Jordanian canny to score at will.

Back in Michael Jordan’s day, he just took out a page in the Chicago Tribune saying he was back. Now His Airness is pillorying LeBron for jumping ship, saying in his day he would never imagine teaming up with his nemesis Detroit “Bad Boys” Pistons. Magic Johnson and Larry Bird wouldn’t even speak to each other during their storied 1980s rivalry. The NBA just isn’t that a) talented and b) hard these days. Now LeBron bikes around with Carmelo Anthony and Dwyane Wade in Beijing.

For taking the easy way out. For slamming your legacy harder than one of your trademark Tomahawk jams, LeBron James is 2010’s Worst Person Of The Half-Year.

#2: Summer Movies Not Named “Inception”:

a) “Grown Ups” (Rotten Tomato Rating: 10%)

Dear Adam Sandler & Chris Rock,

You are both legitimately funny and worth hundreds of millions of dollars. So aren't you past the point in your careers where you need to work with David Spade and the Fat Guy from the “King of Queens”?

b) “Prince Of Persia” (Rotten Tomato Rating: 37%)

Why is the Prince of Persia a white guy (Jake Gyllenhaal) faking an English accent?

c) “Sex & The City 2” (Rotten Tomato Ranking: 16%)

In the words of Lindy West from The Stranger, "If this is what modern womanhood means, then just fucking veil me and sew up all my holes. Good night."

#3 Arizona: “I was also going to give a graduation speech in Arizona this weekend. But with my accent, I was afraid they would try to deport me.” –Terminator-turned-California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

#4 NBC: Let’s see. You lost over $200 million dollars on the Vancouver Winter Olympics this February. You lost another $35 million inadvertently making a martyr out of Conan O’Brien a month later. You then brought back Jay Leno… to only get worse ratings than ever.

Even President Obama can rip on you: “Though I am glad that the only person whose ratings fell more than mine last year is here tonight. Great to see you Jay. I'm also glad that I'm speaking first. We've all seen what happens when somebody takes the time slot after Leno’s.” It got so bad a Taiwanese news station simulated a wrestling cartoon match with Jeff Zucker & Jay Leno tag-teaming Conan O’Brien & Jimmy Kimmel:

#5: Snoop Dogg: To film your latest music video, you just tried to rent Liechtenstein. () As in an entire sovereign country. Smoke more weed, Snoop Dogg. Seriously. Smoke more weed.

#6 Glenn Beck: You’ve cried away 50% your audience. News Corp. Inc has had to buy up over half of your ad spots after you called President Obama a Nazi. And Jon Stewart skewered you in one of the most pitch-perfect impersonations ever.

#7 President Obama: The man heralded as the most promising politician since Robert F. Kennedy is starting to look a lot like… Black Cinderella.

The President misread his sweeping 2008 election as a mandate for federal activism. Except Americans didn’t want a more involved government. They just didn’t want George W. Bush, or 95% of him in John McCain. And yes, Obama got a little caught up in the “Change” election fever. Lobbyists not only stock his administration, but remember the iconic Hope poster than captured the nation’s imagination in 2008? It was sold to a museum by two lobbyists and is now a work of satire.

Yes, Obama dithers. Save for health-care reform, the cerebral Professor-In-Chief doesn’t have his Cheerleader-In-Chief predecessor’s brazen gung ho to just ram legislation through. Obama holds office hours, not pep rallies. Obama’s Afghanistan decision took painfully long and isn’t working. His response to the Gulf Oil Leak has been judged worse than President George “Brownie’s doing a heckuva job” W. Bush’s to Hurricane Katrina. For the first time, less than half the country approves of President Obama. But the clock hasn’t struck midnight on Black Cinderella.

Don’t tell the former half-term-Governor-from-Alaska-turned-Wannabe-White-Oprah but President Obama’s tanking approval ratings mirror those of her idol—Ronald Reagan. Like Reagan, President Obama is an outside-the-Beltway, eloquent President who inherited the office in a time of dire economic conditions and war. Like Reagan, President Obama is liked more for his personality than his actual policies.

Spoiler Alert I: Reagan’s popularity plummeted to a low of 42 percent in 1982, and Republicans lost 26 seats in the House of Representatives in the mid-term election. Spoiler Alert II: The economy recovered. President Reagan went on to land-slide the 1984 re-election bid and became one of the most popular presidents in recent memory.

Dishonorable Mention: Baltimore Orioles, Europe, The French World Cup Team, “Girls Busch Girls” (The ladies’ ridiculously lame rebuttal to “Bros Icing Bros”), “Jersey Shore 2” (I’m calling it now), Jesse James (REAAALLY? You’re married to Sandra Bullock!), Lindsay Lohan, Miley Cyrus (The tail-spin Britney Spears trajectory begins), and Tiger Woods.

And Finally The Getting Beer Fail Of The Half-Year: True, this incident occurred last October, but something tells me this fella still can’t tell the difference:

Republished from ProseBeforeHos: The 7 Biggest Losers Of The Half-Year

People Who Bought Jon & Kate Plus Ei8ht Also Bought...

2010-07-20T08:25:00.000-07:00

Looks like Amazon took the other products from the Jon and Kate Plus Ei8ht: The Complete Season 4 page. But what might be even better are the customer tags on the product page for Season 4: Volume 1:

I don't disagree with one of those tags.

The 2010 Year In Review: The Halfway Mark

2010-07-19T02:00:00.000-07:00

We threw everything at it. Trash, dog hair, “containment domes.” We even called in Kevin Costner’s goofy ping-pong ball machine. But the oil kept on gushing. Only BP’s lies could keep up. BP first reported 210,000 gallons were spurting out a day, if that. The latest estimate is between 1.5 and 2.5 million gallons were leaking into the Gulf. (Or one 1989 Exxon Valdez catastrophe every 4-7 days.) We are holding our breath that BP finally capped the leak last Thursday, but you’ll understand if we’re still a tad skeptical.

Chocolate-colored pelicans. Florida children playing on oil-slicked beaches. Daughter Malia asking Daddy Obama, “Did you plug the hole yet?” All the hallmarks from the greatest environmental disaster in U.S. history. Now, to call it the Gulf Coast Oil Spill is a misnomer. The BP Oil Leak is more accurate. The Gulf had nothing to do with this. The Brits are entirely to blame. And tankers spill oil. Millions of gallons of oil angrily surging from Mother Earth are something else entirely.

We keep throwing money at it. The EU tried injecting a trillion dollars to immunize against The Greek Contagion. Too bad Spain and Portugal already caught it. Obama debates to spend-or-not-to-spend to ward off a Double Dip. All the while, the Feds quietly shutter another couple regional banks come Friday afternoon. Again and again in 2010 our best laid plans crumbled in the face of Nature and our own hubris. The Great Recession cares little for our governments’ models and corollaries.

It’s a good thing Time Magazine doles out its Person of the Year award in December because through the first six months Wild is trouncing Man in a landslide. Twin earthquakes abruptly rocked Haiti (7.0 Magnitude) and Chile (8.8) before they were just as abruptly forgotten by the U.S. press. An Icelandic volcano grounded trans-Atlantic flights and befuddled us with its pronunciation: Eyj… (OK, does anyone pronounce anything when they read that volcano's name? Or are you like me and just completely skip it and think nothing but silence in your head...)

Why do we keep doing this? Why do we still make things we know we can’t fix? Why do we keep cobbling together these rickety Megalith-symbols-turned-ultra-expensive-metaphors? Forget Enlightenment. It’s been a half-year of Sturm und Drang. 6+ months reminding us it’s Earth’s Earth. We’re just living on it. Forget Too Big To Fail. In 2010 nothing is Too Small Not To. A blown transformer on the oil rig. Apple’s iPhone 4 prized jewel needs duct tape to make it work. And a technical glitch plummeted the Dow 1,000 points this May.

Turns out, the Oracle doesn’t hail from Omaha. He’s a two year old invertebrate from the Berlin Zoo. Paul the Octopus correctly foretold all eight of his World Cup predictions, including Spain’s final win over the Dutch. (The odds were 1:255.) Paul is retired now, but PR firms estimate he could be the first ever millionaire octopus—pegging his fame and worth at $4.5 million. Yet even Paul the Octopus would turn green in envy of these guys’ 2010 years:

WINNERS

PERSON OF THE HALF-YEAR, BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN: I have no idea who you are. Girls tell me a) you were on “90210” and b) you are generally a lame human being. Nonetheless, you somehow convinced Megan Fox to marry you. This is a miracle but not unprecedented. Julia Roberts once married Lyle Lovett until she realized he was… Lyle Lovett. And supermodel Adriana Lima is married to Marco Juric, a guy averaging 2.6 points a night off the bench for the Memphis Grizzlies.

For reminding bros everywhere of the old “Dumb & Dumber” line — “So you’re telling me there’s a chance!?!” — Brian Austin Green, you are 2010’s Person Of The Half-Year.

NOURIEL ROUBINI: He’s Nostradamus. If Nostradamus was Turkish and had to teach economics to snobby NYU kids. Roubini has nailed the Great Recession going back to his 2006 warning that the U.S. housing market was about to go bust. Roubini is on every financial minister’s speed dial and Foreign Policy magazine just named him the #4 top thinker on the globe. Want more evidence it’s been a rough year? It’s probably not a good sign that the nickname of 2010’s most prescient mammal is Dr. Doom.

THE KARDASHIANS: It’s good to be famous for … no real reason. Kim gets paid $10,000 a tweet. Kourtney just gave birth to an adorable son Mason. And Khloe (somehow) snagged an LA Laker. Your smash-hit reality TV show “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” returns for a 5th season next month on E!

Not to mention you have the Midas touch with athletic significant others. Every overrated sports star you date wins the championship. (See: Bush, Reggie; Odom, Lamar.) You must get it from your Mama. Because the overbearing Step Dad? He’s Bruce Jenner, the 1976 Olympic decathlon gold medalist.

LADY GAGA: You know you’ve hit Madonna Status when even America’s Finest in Afghanistan are covering your songs:

ELIN NORDEGREN & SANDRA BULLOCK: You go girls! Your celebrity husbands cheated on you with porn stars (among others). But you weathered the heartbreak and ensuing media firestorm with poise and grace. Miss Nordegren, in 9 months you will go from getting to bash in your fleeing husband’s SUV with a golf club to winning at least $100 million and the kids in the pending divorce. (Go On. Beat A Tiger.) Miss Congeniality, you donated $1 million to Haiti earthquake relief and adopted a beautiful baby from New Orleans.

THE REVENGE OF GAIA EARTH: It’s Global Weirding, Thomas Friedman warns us. Not Global Warming. During February’s blizzard of Washington, the family of Republican Senator James Inhofe of Oklahoma sculpted an igloo next to the Capitol with a sign reading “Al Gore’s New Home.” Meanwhile, across the continent, Canada had to import snow to Vancouver for the Winter Olympics we forgot happened. It got to the point this Winter where Republicans virtually cheered for freak snowstorms.

5 months later, the same skeptics were mysteriously silent during the East Coast’s record July Heat Wave. Or when the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) reported 2010 is on pace to be the warmest year since record-keeping began in 1880. Last Friday, British Open organizers had to delay play because… of extreme wind. Even the Weather Guy lost his mind trying to keep up.

GOLD: In a sign of the times, Cash For Gold could afford a Super Bowl ad in 2009 starring MC Hammer. 18 months later, they could probably afford to rename the entire NFL. Gold surged to a record-high $1260+ per ounce earlier this year as skittish investors took cover in the metal as a safe haven.

THAT TAIWANESE KID WITH A BOWL HAIR CUT WHO SINGS WHITNEY HOUSTON BETTER THAN … WHITNEY:

HONORABLE MENTION: The Atlanta Braves, Brazil (except the soccer team), “I Write Like” Website (even if you did say I write like Dan Brown), “Inception”, Justin Bieber, Jonah Hill, a.k.a Our Generation’s John Belushi, Michelle Obama, The Old Spice Guy, Spanish Athletes.

*******

Top 6 Quotes Of The Half-Year

6) "F--- my victims. I carried them for 20 years and now I'm doing 150." – Inmate #61727-054, Bernie Madoff

5) "I don't sit around just talking to experts because this is a college seminar, we talk to these folks because they potentially have the best answers–so I know whose ass to kick." –President Barack Obama, on the BP Oil Leak

4) "I think the Vatican - they've got more to talk about than the Beatles." -Ringo Starr, on a Vatican newspaper lauding the band 40 years after they broke up.

3) "I think Jesus was a compassionate, super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems." –Super-Intelligent Gay, Empathetic Singer Elton John.

2) "This is a big f---ing deal." -US vice-president Joe Biden, on passage of healthcare program.

1) "I'll do my f----- best." -Lady Gaga, asked whether she would cut down on coarse language in her next show.

And Finally The #1 Bush-ism Of 2010

President George W. Bush “getting his hands dirty” for Haiti humanitarian relief:

“The Half-Yearish In Review: Part 2” premieres Thursday, featuring The Biggest Losers Of 2010. (NBC, take a bow.)

Via ProseBeforeHos: 2010 Half Year In review

Just Another Day At A New York City Bus Stop…

2010-07-14T00:19:00.000-07:00

Love & Romance On Reddit

2010-07-14T00:16:00.000-07:00

War & Pizza Hut: The Twilight Of American Empire

2010-07-08T06:29:00.000-07:00

For previous entries, please see War & Pizza Hut: Volume 1 and War & Pizza Hut: Volume 2

*******

A Marine scribbled the following on a whiteboard at the US military base in Ramadi, Iraq:

We almost don’t deserve our troops. As audaciously as they have served our country, we are nearly as oblivious to their sacrifice. Two-thirds of Americans cannot find Afghanistan or Iraq on a map. Much of the insulation is by government design. There is no draft today. The press was banned from covering incoming coffin ceremonies.

Unfortunately, war has become ambient noise for many Americans. It’s on in the background. A marketplace bombing in Baghdad. A suicide bomber in Peshawar. Quick clips delivered by solemn CNN or Fox News anchors before getting back to the “real news”: Octomom or Miley Cyrus’ Britney Spears-like trajectory. It’s a media Catch 22 of sorts. Call it escapist, but the networks only broadcast what the viewers want to see. And this summer, viewers want sneak-peeks for “Predators”, the movie, not the unmanned drones errantly gunning down Afghan civilians. The networks couldn’t force viewers to watch and, with Great Recession-induced shrinking bottom lines, they largely stopped trying.

The War on Terror is still too close for comfort for Hollywood. “Jarhead” and Oscar-winning “The Hurt Locker” came the closest in depicting the realities of modern war. The films depict testosterone-laden twenty-something males enduring weeks of stifling boredom, depression, and themselves for split seconds of combat. Perhaps the War On Terror’s most iconic satire will be the South Park Guys’ “Team America: World Police” anthem “America F--- Yeah!”, lampooning the Bush Era’s rock ‘em sock ‘em, in-your-face war patriotism:

Thanks, in part, to American public apathy, Afghanistan will be the longest war in American history. Iraq, the 3rd longest. This is not a tribute to the resolve of our foes, but their cowardice. The Taliban slink back to their caves or schools to escape head-to-head battle with the most valiant, best-trained fighting force of all time. Historians point out its an insurgency 360 degrees since American Revolutionaries gunned down British Redcoats behind rocks walls at Concord and Lexington. The difference is two-fold: 1) The American Revolutionaries never used innocent women and children as human shields. 2) America fought to escape despotism in the name of Enlightenment, not to restore it and the Dark Ages. The British formations were an anachronism in the face of America’s guerrilla warfare. 230 years later, America’s massive M1 Abrams tanks are of little use in the snow-capped peaks of eastern Afghanistan and Waziristan.

The Twilight Of The American Empire

The longevity of Empires is declining. The Roman Empire spanned 1200 years. The British Empire is eking out a half millennium. America turned 234 years old this July, and the cracks are showing. Rome turned the Mediterranean into its own lake. The sun never set on the British Empire. And America turned the world into its TV room.

Alexander the Great’s dad King Philip II of Macedon conquered Greece. Rome was done in by a) Christianity, if you ask Edward Gibbons; b) lead pipes poisoning Rome’s aristocracy; c) and/or imperial overreach and Nero-esque decadence. World War II bankrupted the British Empire of her war chest and colonies. I know not how the American Empire will end. I don’t know whether our demise will be by mushroom cloud, asteroid, or the Red Army. But I know one day our day will inevitably come. I simply hope when all is said and done, history will remember America as a Superpower that used its right to make might. Not the other way around.

The great American inventor Thomas Edison brought light to the world, literally. And America tried its best (however imperfectly) to bring light to the world, figuratively as well. Modern human history has been paved by the upward-trending path to equality and tolerance. The United State has borne this load on her broad shoulders over much of the last century, in the face of some of the fiercest dictators and loathsome weapons the world has ever seen.

Ancient Greece’s philosophy and drama laid the bedrock for Western humanities and thought. Ancient Rome cobbled together the Known World with its engineering prowess. America will be remembered for her technological ingenuity. From electricity to putting a man on the moon, America, more than any other power, enjoyed the fruits and Apple of the exponential part of humanity’s technology curve. Benjamin Franklin and Steve Jobs will be her answer to Greece’s Archimedes and Aristotle. Martin Luther King Jr., our oratorical rebuttal to Cicero.

No matter how the dust settles, America’s unalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness will stand the test of time as unconscionably right and just. Now, the American Empire wasn’t the most progressive of global powers. Winston Churchill once teased, “You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else. “ She lagged generations behind her older European siblings on social issues (see: Slavery, Universal Suffrage, Civil Rights, and now Gay Marriage). But when she made up her mind, America knew with such a conviction and bulldog tenacity the world had never seen before.

*******

If a serviceman didn’t see my grandfather in the engine room at exactly that moment, he would have sealed the hatch. Fred didn't know who pulled him out, but he was the last man out of the engine room. He spent three days alone in a life raft under the blistering South Pacific sun with a gashed neck. Tiger sharks circled below, Japanese Zero planes, above. But Fred had a dream. He would get off that life raft. He would get back to Western Massachusetts, marry his sweet-heart, and build a big family house with his own bare hands. A big comfy one for kids and, later on, maybe their kids, too.

And that’s exactly what my Grandfather did.

War & Pizza Hut

2010-07-08T01:16:00.000-07:00

For the previous entry, please see War & Pizza Hut: Volume 1

*******

Vietnam

My “uncle” would not go to Vietnam. Some of his friends fled to Canada. Others loped off part of their trigger fingers. He settled on a less permanent escape. The night before his Army evaluation he chugged coffee and pounded bars of butter. When he showed up the next morning, the tester gasped at his blood pressure readings. Normal blood pressure is 120/80, but he racked up 100/150. He was a miracle to be alive, let alone fight in a war half across the globe.

Vietnam was the ignominious chapter when the American Empire got its dark streak. Man fought machine and man, unfortunately, won. If JFK’s assassination was when America lost its innocence at home, Vietnam was when America lost its innocence abroad. (see: The Gulf of Tonkin Resolution in 1964). Now, it wasn’t the first time the U.S. started a war under false pretenses (American Indian Wars, Mexican War, Spanish-American War) or the last (Iraq), but it was the first time America picked a fight and lost. And 58,159 of America’s finest paid the ultimate sacrifice. 58,159 sons, brothers, and fathers died because President Johnson couldn’t admit he was wrong.

American artists painted some of the country’s most vivid artwork against this murky canvas of imperialism and government deceit. Filmmakers and musicians fearlessly plunged into America’s throbbing wound and plucked out some of the rawest artwork the nation has ever seen it. Vietnam inspired the greatest war soundtrack (“American Woman" by The Guess Who, "Blowin' in the Wind" by Bob Dylan, "Born in the U.S.A." by Bruce Springsteen, alluding to The Siege of Khe Sanh, "Fortunate Son" by Creedence Clearwater Revival, "Gimme Shelter" by The Rolling Stones, "Have You Ever Seen the Rain?" by Creedence Clearwater Revival, "Revolution" by The Beatles, "Volunteers" by Jefferson Airplane, and "War Pigs" by Black Sabbath). Jaded disillusionment imbued some of the finest masterpieces for print (“The Things They Carried”) and the screen (“Full Metal Jacket”, “The Deer Hunter”, “Platoon”, “Born On The Fourth Of July”).

Vietnam cast a tall shadow over American psyche ever since. We have whispered whether each subsequent war would be the next Vietnam. America held her breath when she invaded the tiny island-nation of Grenada in 1983. Maybe it’s for this reason we never gave our Vietnam War heroes-turned-politicians a fair shake. Serviceman John Kerry was a true American war hero. He earned two Purple Hearts for his valor in saving the lives of his crew. But when he returned home he was America’s most hardened war critic. He tossed his medals onto the White House lawn in disgust. He was the first Vietnam solider to testify against the war. There was nary a dry eye in Congress in 1974 when Kerry asked, “How can you ask a man to be the last to die for a mistake?”

Thirty years later though, Democratic Presidential nominee John Kerry was painted as the effete, flip-flopping elitist who lied about his war record in the Swift Boats imbroglio. Never mind that President Bush spent the war defending South Texas from the impending Vietnam air menace (when he showed up at all). No, it was John Kerry who was vilified as the most glaring reminder of our most chronicled defeat. Four years later, pundits openly discussed how John McCain’s Vietnam selfless imprisonment rendered him mentally unsound for Presidency.

It’s tragic that America looked the other way so quickly. Our Vietnam heroes have offered some of the sagest advice for the War on Terror. John McCain was one of the earliest and adamant proponents of the Surge, which—in tandem with the Anbar Awakening—pulled Iraq back from the precipice. We need John Kerry, now on the other side of the Congressional tables, asking: How can you ask a man to be the last to die for Hamid Karzai?

The War On Terror

I accidentally did my part for the War on Terror propaganda effort. And it’s all thanks to this YouTube video.

The video was four years old, but I figured timeless for Labor Day 2009. I posted it on Facebook, Twitter, and went to sleep. When I woke up, the clip was viral. The Huffington Post snatched it up first, then CNN, then the world. MSNBC hailed the clip as the “feel-good moment” of Fall 2009.

I never did get to meet the brave serviceman or his adorable pup Gracie, but I was pleased to see he landed on a couple talk-shows for the video. The best part? All proceeds from the 2 million Youtube views (and counting) are donated to the Alexandria, VA, shelter where little Gracie was adopted—totaling $602 so far.

*******

We all remember where we were that September morning when the second plane hit, confirming this was no mistake. This was an act of war. 19 Islamic fanatics hijacked turned our airplanes into killing machines, our landmarks into tombs. W recovered from his infamous 6 minute “My Pet Goat” space-out and became our Cheerleader-In-Chief.

“We are all Americans” headlined Le Monde the next day. We got goose bumps when Bush held that rally on top of the rubble of the World Trade Center. American flags adorned every corner. Mayor Rudy Giuliani (Time’s 2001 Person Of The Year) appeared on Letterman and told us we could laugh again.

But then Bush told us to be patriotic. Go to Wal-Mart. We teamed up with Northern Alliance and toppled the Taliban, pushed al Qaeda into the Pakistan hinterlands. And Bush took his eye off Afghanistan and got tunnel vision for Iraq. Bush, Cheney, and Rummy blurred the lines. They told us Iraq was behind 9/11. They told us Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. And we bought it. Hook, line, and sinker. It wasn’t hard. Bush told us Saddam Hussein tried to buy yellowcake uranium from Niger. And Colin Powell, yes, even Colin Powell, flashed that vial of anthrax at the UN. Washington lunchrooms renamed French fries “freedom fries”.

Bush made the world pick sides: “You’re either with us or against us.” And the world didn’t pick Saddam, but the world didn’t exactly pick Bush either. The War on Terror polarized into us vs. them, black vs. white absolutes. But what followed was a slippery slope decent into the seedy underworld of secret CIA prisons and the grayish nether reaches of legality and morality. Water-boarding, suspending habeas corpus, Abu Ghraib, torture—the lasting buzz words of the War on Terror smacked more of the Medieval Ages than the world’s lone Superpower in the early 21st century.

The mission was never accomplished, and we never found Iraq’s connection to 9/11 or the WMDs. Americans still don’t know the details, and more troublesome, they just don’t care. 1/3 of FOX News viewers polled believe we really did find WMDs in Iraq (compared to 5% of NPR listeners). Ironic because everything Iraq was supposed to be—an Islamic threat to regional stability, bent on nuclear power—Iran is. The CIA learned Saddam Hussein made up his weapon of mass destruction bluster because he was so scared of Iran. But Second Term President Bush was chastened. His political capital spent. W listened to Condoleezza, fired Rummy, and the centrifuges in Nawaz kept on spinning…

Teachers In The 1960's Versus Teachers In 2010

2010-07-08T00:20:00.000-07:00

Via PBH: Teachers In 1960 Vs. Teachers In 2010

War and Pizza Hut

2010-07-05T23:24:00.000-07:00

My Grandfather was in the engine room when the kamikaze began. Zero plane shrapnel sheered through the destroyer. South Pacific waters gushed inside. Naval protocol was to close the engine room hatch immediately to keep the ship from sinking more quickly, leaving other men trapped in the engine room. Fred should have been one of the other men. He was unconscious after an engine safety valve exploded into his neck.

******

World War II was the coming out party for the United States of America upon the world stage. America was a mere upstart (albeit a very productive one) in the eyes of Europe on the eve of the continent’s Civil War. Some European historians sniff that America was simply fresh legs at the tail end of a marathon war. That nearly 70% of Nazi fatalities came at the hands of the Soviets and Russian Winter. They are forgetful. Before D-Day, America kept the Allies afloat with its unprecedented manufacturing in the European theater, while withstanding the Pearl Harbor ambush and the Japanese Empire in the Pacific. Sixty million deaths, and two atomic bombs later, the world was split between America and the Soviet Union.

Hiroshima and Nagasaki irrevocably changed the world. Humanity now had the weapon to destroy itself within hours. It paved the way for an arsenal you wish mankind could un-invent. But let history bear witness. During the four-year stretch before the Soviet Union joined America in the Nuclear Club, the U.S. rained down not missiles and mortar, but Hershey chocolate bars and dollars to rebuild Europe.

Winston Churchill memorialized our WWII veterans most aptly when he said, “Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few.” Today, World War II is best remembered by the director of “Jaws”. Steven Spielberg immortalized U.S. soldiers in all their gritty realism for the screen. First in “Empire Of The Sun” before teaming up Tom Hanks in “Saving Private Ryan”, and two HBO ten-part miniseries: “Band of Brothers”, and “The Pacific” (a.k.a. Band of Brothers On Water).

NBC’s grandfather Tom Brokaw throatily hails our grandparents, our parents’ parents, as the “Greatest Generation”. Us Millenials tend to admire our grandparents the most. It’s not hard to see why. Our grandparents were born into the Roaring 1920s. They languished through the Great Depression before years of war overseas battling Jew-hating madmen. Sound vaguely familiar?

******

The Cold War

Soviet premier Nikita S. Khrushchev was probably staring at a box of Corn Flakes when he realized the Cold War was lost. Then a box of Cheerios. Then Wheaties. If the U.S. could produce fifty different cereals and still manufacture hundreds of nukes, Khrushchev mused his Soviets didn’t stand a chance. Khrushchev didn’t say this at the time, of course. He smiled for the cameras with President Eisenhower. He wolfed down his first American hot dog and quipped, “We have beaten you to the moon, but you have beaten us in sausage making.” But deep down Khrushchev knew.

The 1959 grocery store visit came nine years after the Soviets detonated an atomic bomb of their own. Since then major wars between the two Superpowers had truly become MAD (mutually assured destruction). As much as the White House loathed the Kremlin, and vice versa, the twin Superpowers enjoyed human existence more. Both sides remembered Albert Einstein’s line all too well, “I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”

But this didn’t make the specter of nuclear apocalypse any less terrifying. Some of our parents had nuclear bomb drills in elementary school. In the "Duck and Cover” drill, Bert the Turtle and teachers instructed my mom she could take shelter from a Manhattan atomic blast under her wooden desk. (Today, NYPD police officers sometimes check my backpack before I take the Subway.)

The Cold War between the Soviet Union and the United States became a war fought by a) proxy and b) consumer standard of living. T’was the rapid rise and fall of oil prices—not Rocky or Ronald Reagan’s bravado—that truly felled the Soviet Union. Meanwhile, the United States was cursed with thousands of gratuitous nuclear missiles and the shadow of Vietnam.

The one reassuring real-politik since the Soviet blast was mass world war became too destructive and expensive. The bottom line… was the bottom line. Pulitzer Prize winning Thomas Friedman served up the Golden Arches Theory: no two countries with a McDonald’s have ever been at war with each other.

The Cold War was the first and longest (1945-1989) economic war. But it wasn’t the last. There have actually been numerous wars fought on the economic battlefield since 1945. Bankers and lawyers are these wars’ foot-soldiers. Gordon Gecko’s “Greed is good”, not “Be all you can be” is the creed. Japan and the United States waged war during the 1980s and 1990s. The prized jewels this time were not Pacific islands or commonwealths but billion dollar corporations (Toyota, Coca Cola). A real estate bubble left-hook and crony capitalism haymaker KO’d Japan into a Lost Decade. And a larger foe entered the ring: China.

It is a battle of the titans. East versus West. A resurgent ancient power pitted against a fading prodigy. Dueling ideologies of Communism-Capitalism versus Capitalism-Capitalism. Timothy Geithner and Fred Bernanke are our generals, by day. Chinese hackers break into Google accounts and both sides scan for national electric grid weak-points, by night. The monthly China-USA trade deficit demarcates our ever-changing tide of war. We bombarded China in recent years by manufacturing—not bullets—but trillions of dollars out of thin air. Meanwhile, the floating yuan tick-tocks as China’s time bomb.

The irony is we can’t afford any outcome but a split-decision. On the American side, the WMDs did go off — in New York City. But they were the ones Warren Buffett warned us about, not President George W. Bush. They were the ones concocted, not in bunkers outside Baghdad, but in AIG and Citi boardrooms throughout midtown Manhattan. Built not out of yellow cake but of junky CDOs, unbridled derivatives, and money our homes weren’t worth. America is still digging out and cannot survive a Chinese economic Winter. We cannot afford for China to stop hoarding our greatly devalued dollar (See: TARP, Stimulus Package, Health Care Reform). On the other side, China has a rapidly aging population the government will not able to support if American consumers stop buying beyond their means. Economists watch with baited breathe as China tries to gently squeeze out its real estate bubble.

Internationally, China has quietly bought up vast swathes of Africa and the Middle East. Meanwhile, the U.S. commits its blood and treasure to rebuild oil-rich nations like Iraq and ponders how to extricate itself from the Gordian knot of imperial overreach in Afghanistan, a.k.a. “The Graveyard of Empires”, a.k.a. our Vietnam. And Taiwan is the 21st Century’s answer to Cuba.

Via PBH: War & Pizza Hut (Volume I)

'Electricty', Courtesy of Bob Jones University

2010-07-01T08:49:00.000-07:00

Found in a text book released by Bob Jones University:

The above image is from a Bob Jones University textbook entitled Science 4 Students [You can also buy it off of Amazon].

Even scarier? Over 1 million pre-college students around the world use BJU textbooks.

And So Skynet Begins....

2010-07-01T00:09:00.001-07:00

To An Athlete Dying Old

2010-06-26T21:50:00.001-07:00

Maybe it is because he’s lean, mean, and lets his weapon do the talking. Or maybe it is because TBS used to play all the Western movies on repeat. But whatever it is, I’ve always thought of Chipper Jones as the Clint Eastwood of baseball.

Clint Eastwood said goodbye to the West in the Oscar-winning “Unforgiven”. His skin is leathered over after years under the searing Western sun. His morals shot after decades of gunfights (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XoAPKt7kbD0) . The Man With No Name is just another weathered cowboy. “I'm just a fella now,” he reflects. “I ain't no different than anyone else no more.”

Major league baseball is nearly as cruel. A breaking-down Chipper Jones is bidding a wistful farewell to the game. Chipper confessed after 16 years wrangling pitchers and the New York Mets, “we all know where I’m leaning.” But Chipper doesn’t want your pity. He doesn’t want to be a distraction, and the last thing he wants is a farewell tour.

The son of the South is an old 38 now. He was never a perfect man, but now the battle-scars are really showing. His mythical bat speed ain’t what it used to be. His creaky hip aches chronically. His feet, leaden. Chipper doesn’t crush home runs anymore. He takes his walks or sprays Texas leaguers just over the second baseman’s head.

But just when you think he’s done. Just when you think Chipper’s gone to the well one too many times, he laces a two-run gapper to left-field. Chipper trots into second, un-Velcroes his batting gloves, and cracks that crooked grin of his. And fathers across the South look over at their sons and say, there goes the greatest third basemen who ever lived.

*****

This is the west, sir. When the legend becomes fact, print the legend. -- The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance

Chipper Jones was always MY ATHLETE. His bat helped fuel the Atlanta Braves to an unprecedented 14 straight division titles, or Kindergarten through my Sophomore year of college. He’s the one younger, chubbier me used to muddy my Nikes imitating in the backyard Georgia clay. The scowl. The gnashing bubble gum. The signature toe-tap. The swing of beauty. (Warning: Results may vary.)

Younger Chipper Jones copy-catted the 1970s Los Angeles Dodgers’ swings in his Florida backyard.: Steve Garvey, Davey Lopes, then he’d switch to the other side of the plate for the left-handed hitters. And that’s the other thing. Chipper Jones is a switch hitter. Third baseman Mike Schmidt hit more homeruns. George Brett had the higher batting average (and pine tar). But Chipper Jones is the best switch hitter in the history of the game after a fella named Mickey Mantle.

Now, it’s true. Chicks dig the long ball:

But you’d fall in love with Chipper Jones’ game. He’s never mashed Ruthian home run blasts. Instead, he is a rare blend of discipline and power. A career .300 batting average/.400 OBP/.500 slugging kind of guy. In translation, ladies, he has great eyes, power, and knows a thing or two about getting to first. The sexiest part about the back of his baseball card isn’t the World Series title, the MVP trophy, or the string of .300, 30 home run, 100 RBI seasons. It’s that he’s spent his entire career with the Atlanta Braves.

In the age of free agency and $300 million contracts, Chipper’s loyalty is an anachronism. He could have bailed when the going got tough in Atlanta. But he just reworked his contract so the team could afford more payroll flexibility. Now, in the twilight of his sparkling Hall of Fame career, Chipper’s ready to renegotiate his deal to give millions BACK to the Braves so the small-market team can have more cash in the war chest to win, even if it’s without him.

Maybe the greatest accolade of all is Chipper Jones is the anti-ARod. Alex Rodriguez couldn’t win a ring with the hand he has dealt. So he jumped ship to the Rangers and took steroids for three years. He couldn’t win there either so he switched teams and even his fielding position. He finally won his ring (albeit, in Derek Jeter’s shadow), but he’ll always be a juicer nomad who chased the money out of town. His records will always end with an Asterisk.

In the age of steroids, perhaps the greatest compliment is Chipper aged the way stars are supposed to age. 38 year olds don’t crush titanic blasts deep into the seats (see: Bonds, Barry). They don’t whip crackling 96 MPH fastballs down the pike (Clemens, Roger). They lose a step. They fall asleep in the clubhouse during games (Griffey Jr., Ken).

With the exception of Evander Holyfield, we can never tell champions of the game when to hang them up. For every Brett Favre career year at age 40, there are a dozen more cautionary tales. In the 1970s, Willie Mays looked pitiful stumbling around Shea’s outfield. In the 2000s, Michael Jordan looked strange and human balling in a Wizards jersey. Nowadays, twenty-something nobodies are dusting Lance Armstrong in Texas road-races. Yet, we can’t say anything. They earned the right to play as long as they wanted. And there’s a certain ephemeral beauty in it. These all-time greats reigned over the game for so long finally get their comeuppances at the hands of Father Time.

Chipper, on the other hand, is leaving on his own time. Sure, he could squeeze out 3-4 more seasons for an outside shot at 500 HRs, but he’s got too much pride. His bust in Cooperstown is already measured.

*****

Clint Eastwood is arguably an even better director than actor. Likewise, Jones may be an even craftier marketer. His real name is Larry, but he renamed himself Chipper because he figured a guy named Larry Jones could never be famous. Chipper named one of his sons Shea in honor of the favorite demolition derby—the Mets’ old stadium. Now this whole season when he should be ticking off his lasts—last walk-off home run, Wrigley Field trip, and (hopefully) playoffs—he’s thinking about all the firsts he’s missing with his four youngsters back home.

And maybe, just maybe, one of them will grow into a Braves jersey and make Mets fans groan: not again.

The Disturbed Simpsons

2010-06-24T00:29:00.000-07:00

DeLorean Back To The Future Limousine?

2010-06-20T21:11:00.000-07:00

Confessions of a Social Media Hit Man

2010-06-14T23:27:00.000-07:00

A “friend” is a wanted man by the KFC. And it’s all because of this commercial:

It smacks more of Dave Chappelle than the Colonel, but it is an actual KFC ad that ran in Australia. The “friend” thought the ad would ruffle feathers with more politically-correct American circles. He posted it on Facebook and Twitter and went to bed.

The Huffington Post picked it up first, then the New York press, then the world. By the time he woke up, some 300,000 people (roughly the population of Pittsburgh) had watched it. And they were none too pleased with KFC. KFC responded with a written statement the next day:

“We excuse for some interpretation of the ad as it was not meant to breach anyone. It is a light-hearted meaning to the West Amerindic cricket group … The ad was reproduced online in the US … where we are told a culturally-based classify exists, directive to the inaccurate declaration of racism.” [via DailyWorldBuzz]

The statement did little to pacify outrage American audiences. It just made them angrier. So KFC pulled the ad—two days later, and a half million dollars in PR damage control costs poorer.

*****

Media is broken. Sliced up, TiVo’d beyond repair. And the tragedy is media companies did it to themselves. The problem is they gave us consumers content whenever we wanted, wherever we wanted. And it was a crossing of the pixilated Rubicon. We’re never going back.

We buy 99 cent singles on iTunes rather than CDs with 15 songs we don’t want. (If we buy songs at all…) Weekly album sales are at their lowest levels since Nixon. We tell “30 Rock” or “Family Guy” when we want to watch them, not vice versa.

Let’s face it, us Generation Y’ers, Echo Baby Boomers, Millenials, whatever you want to call us, you can call us cheap. We don’t do paid online content. And those annoying banner ads drive us away faster than you can say University of Phoenix. The $31+ billion dollar question is: how do you monetize online videos? The answer is: no one knows yet, but Hulu comes the closest.

We are OK with video ads, not for bulldogs riding skateboards, but polished 23 minute episodes of “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia” or “Glee”. No one really watches more than a grainy clip or two of user generated content. We eat up our field-reporter fails though—from grape-stomping to going ghetto:

*****

THE INTERNET’S DIRTY LITTLE SECRET (Beside Chatroulette)

The Internet is a digital Athenian democracy, vaulting billions across the globe into the same digital Agora. It is a streaming marketplace of ideas that levels the playing field between the haves and have-nots. Nearly everyone can tap into the globe’s digital pulse of news, opinions, and viral videos. The Internet does not discriminate against class, race, sex, and faith. All you need is a modem connection for all human knowledge at your fingertips.

Except the Internet isn’t really a democracy at all. It’s an oligarchy chaired by Internet “Power Users”. They are the trusted social-media chieftains of Facebook, Twitter, Digg and lesser social media tribes, whose word and links are law to their millions of followers. They are the select few who dictate what goes viral and what falls flat. They vote early and often, pushing their stories to the top.

In the age of incredibly shrinking media, Internet traffic is as good as gold. So rather than fight these social media warriors, companies quietly hire them. Firms lavish these mercenaries with cushy “Director of Online Marketing” or “Social Media Advisors” independent contracts. The salaries aren’t there yet, but the perks that are legendary. Free trips to Europe, weekends in Vegas and everything is comped in the rarefied air of Pantheon “Power Users”.

So who are these “Power Users” exactly? In the US, they tend to be 20- or 30-something dudes, liberal, and hilarious drinking buddies. (You would be too if you spent all day, every day, sifting through the funniest the Interwebs has to offer.) They work from their apartments, love that they don’t have to get dressed in the morning, and reach at least 50k people by lunch. “Power Users” spend most of the day pushing their clients’ stories on gchat in between torrented “Planet Earth” or “Dexter” episodes. Armed with a Slingbox or some other free video software, they are ever-ready to rip off the “next Susan Boyle” video for millions of views and Internet immortality:

Calvin & Jobs

2010-06-14T22:41:00.000-07:00

Tourists Ruin Everything

2010-06-14T06:10:00.001-07:00

Talking About Gen Y!

2010-06-10T03:32:00.000-07:00

Generation Y is sick, yo! We’re 70 million Americans strong, born between 1981 and 1992, and always have the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ back:

Ahhh Generation Y! Our best days start (and end) with Fruity Pebbles. Two 25 year old guys—LeBron “King” James and Mark “Thief” Zuckerberg—are the co-valedictorians of our class. We’re allergic to voicemail, addicted to texting, and checked Facebook twice in the time it took to read this sentence. And studios, if your action flicks don’t have at least three explosions, you’ll be lucky to get an illegal download from us guys. If that.

*****

We were first dubbed “Generation Y” in a 1993 editorial to distinguish us from Generation X (born between 1972 and 1980). It’s only fitting the piece ran in an “Ad Age” publication, because we are the most marketed-to-and-researched generation of all time. The problem is “Generation Y” is a dreadful name: a) it’s not original, b) it’s not clever, and c) it’s dead wrong.

You see, we are nothing like our Generation X brethren. Generation X grew up on MTV and is a little darker. And can you really blame them? Their childhood coincided with their parents’ 1970s Me Decade hedonism. Their best video game was Atari (1977).

No, Generation Y admires its grandparents the most, a.k.a. The Greatest Generation. It’s not hard to see why. Our grandparents were born into the Roaring 1920s. They languished through the Great Depression before years of war overseas battling Jew-hating madmen. Sound vaguely familiar?

But there are two glaring differences:

1) Our grandparents were more hardcore. When my grandfather was my age, he survived a kamikaze attack in the South Pacific and spent three days on a lifeboat alone with a gashing neck. (I go to the gym Thursdays. Sometimes…)

Ornery critics sneer that us Generation Y’ers are soft. That we were pampered too much as kids. We’ve been called the “Trophy Kids” because we were raised hearing “no one loses”. The Clint Eastwoods of the world have a point. When I was six years, I went an entire soccer season without even touching the ball in a game—even though I was starting midfielder. Yet I still won a trophy for “Team Spirit”. At youth swim meets, the winner got the blue ribbon, but even the fat kid who finished two minutes later got a maroon-colored ribbon just for finishing. (Trust me, I’ve got at least three collecting dust in an attic somewhere thanks to the 25 meter butterfly.)

I can tell my Dad worries that we take HBO’s “Entourage” too seriously. That we think fame and money will just happen. The reality is we don’t look like Vince (even though we’re already better actors), and we are facing years of hard work and “learning the craft”.

2) We got the sweetest toys ever. Our grandparents’ blockbuster new game growing up was … Monopoly (1935). Meanwhile, Generation Y has enjoyed the fruits and Apple of the exponential part of the technology curve. We’ve gone from blowing on “Super Mario 2” Nintendo cartridges to make them to work, to “The Sims”, to “Avatar” in 15 years.

However, this is not to say we were spared by the retail-ideas-so-dumb-they-are-brilliant department. Our aunts and uncles had the Pet Rock. We have the Snuggie:

Actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt may have made the most prescient quote about our generation. The “Angels In The Outfield” kid turned brooding thespian noted, “This generation is going to blow away every generation ever. Because we're the first ones with the Internet.” And as Social media and wine expert Gary Vaynerchuk pointed out, “The Internet is 15 years old. It hasn't even had sex yet.” (Unless it is European.)

In translation, Mom, don’t even think about taking “World of Warcraft” away from us:

Generation Y is closing in on a quarter-century, and we’ve already seen our fair share of drama. Our “there is no Santa Claus” moment happened after Bill Clinton looked us in the eye and denied he had “sexual relations with that woman” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KiIP_KDQmXs) Learning Mark McGwire’s 1998 record homerun chase was fueled not by hard work but steroids was our “there is no Tooth Fairy” epiphany. Columbine was our more fatal Kent State. September 11th, our Pearl Harbor. No WMD’s in Iraq was our generation’s Watergate. The ultimate tragedy is 4,402 (and counting) of America’s bravest didn’t die after Nixon’s cover-up.

We see Barack Obama as one of us. He’s the cool professor. Obama’s rousing rhetoric, not being George W. Bush, and social media prowess awakened Generation Y’s sleepy political activism during the 2008 presidential campaign. We joined his Facebook group, donated money, and showed up at the polls in record numbers.

Once Obama got elected, however, we hit the snooze button again:

We still love Obama but disillusionment is starting to creep in. Change may be coming, but it’s glacially slow. Remember the iconic “Hope” poster that was a clarion call for fresh thinking? It was donated to a museum by a pair of lobbyists.

Deep down, we’re starting to think we missed the peak of the American Empire by 40 years. We quietly fear Afghanistan, “the graveyard of Empires”, is our Vietnam. Domestically, 15 months of filibustering and partisan infighting over health care reform reminded us why we hated politics in the first place. We don’t understand why “don’t ask, don’t tell” is still an issue. And don’t even get us started on Arizona:

Grown-ups I talk to are befuddled as to why we aren’t angrier. My Dad emails me gloomy Wall Street Journal articles enumerating the mountains of debt his Baby Boomers are putting on our tab. My dad laments that unpaid interns are conquering the world. He’s not alone. Economists whisper that, thanks to the protracted Great Recession, we are showing the symptoms of another Lost Generation. My school Dean Glenn Hubbard worries about Generation Y’s perniciously high unemployment rates (over 16% for 24-year-olds). He fears for twenty-somethings two years out of work can become virtually a “life-sentence”.

Despite all of the turmoil, us Generation Y’ers are still a bubbly bunch. Maybe we’re naïve. Maybe YouTube keeps us happy. Or maybe it’s that the world has doubted American generations since our Founding Fathers. And never before has the world seen a generation with our tolerance, creativity, and innovation. It won’t be easy. But I have no doubt we have the vitality and ambition to become the Sweetest Generation. And perhaps one day our grandchildren will marvel at our achievements against tall odds. Even if they never get our love for the “Jersey Shore.”

The Real Story Behind Bros Icing Bros

2010-06-02T22:58:00.000-07:00

Ladies, I apologize in advance.

Hopefully you laughed a little during the bomb also known as Sex & The City 2. Because with the July arrival of the LeBron Sweepstakes, the World Cup, and the return of Jersey Shore (in Miami this time), the Summer of 2010 is poised to become the Summer of Bro-dom. And the official drink of the Summer of Bro-Dom is (unfortunately) Smirnoff Ice.

*****

There are certain Internet fads you wish you could fast-forward life until they are over. RickRolling was especially painful. The Hitler Hates The Jonas Brothers / The Minnesota Vikings memes, while hilarious, are thankfully on their last legs.

The latest, and by far, the vilest of the Internet memes is Bros Icing Bros. The game is simple. If a friend surprises you with a Smirnoff Ice, you “got iced.” By rule, you must get down on one knee and chug it. To be clear, there are no winners here. You simply have to drink more Smirnoff Ices you never wanted to drink in the first place. Trust me, no bro is happier after a Smirnoff Ice than he was before it. Yet by a quirk of fate, Smirnoff is rewarded for making such a dreadful libation. You could always quit playing, but that’s the move of a Faux-Bro (See also: Rodriguez, Alex).

As the august Teddy Broosevelt explained:

From those twin pillars of Bro-dom justice, the rules diverge based on apartment and cruelty of roommates. At the Rivergate apartment on Manhattan’s Lower East Side, the game has unfortunately taken on more of a guerrilla war tone. The fridge is the only Holy Land. Beyond that, all’s fair in love and icing. Smirnoff Ices are hidden, not just presented. Any pile of laundry or especially chubby cat could be “landmined” with a lurking Smirnoff Ice. You can be iced whenever. No time, too early (see: 7:13 AM last Monday). No event (final exam, wedding, investor meeting), too important.

My roommate, let’s call him Uncle Benny, works in Private Equity. I am in school. It’s a veritable New York Yankees vs. Kansas City Royals match-up, and Uncle Benny has a George Steinbrennerian desire to win no matter the price. When I got back from a long day of classes Tuesday, I checked the deli downstairs and saw all the six-packs of Smirnoff Ice were sold out. I could only sigh. Uncle Benny had been shopping, again.

I live in fear. The left pocket of my favorite pair of jeans is now forever molded to the shape of a Smirnoff bottle. Security often stops me while leaving Duane Reade or Chipotle until they see the suspicious bulge is a lukewarm bottle of malt-liquor and realize not even shop-lifters would stoop so low. I carry a Smirnoff Ice on me at all times. Even when I go run. Make that, especially when I go run.

It gets worse. As New Yorkers can attest, the past two weeks have been excruciatingly hot. Keep in mind these “Ices” typically sit around in boiling Manhattan apartments for days on end. So what’s it like to drink a four day old, warm Smirnoff Ice? It’s perhaps most aptly described by the following clip from “Anchorman”:

*****

Bros Icing Bros is not a campaign by Smirnoff Ice. Smirnoff’s marketing team only wishes it could be so clever. Instead, Bros Icing Bros was the brainchild of a couple meatheads at the fratiest of all Southern colleges: The College of Charleston (Think: walking, talking J-Crew magazine with a Southern accent).

The frat boys set up a website BrosIcingBros.com, where users can upload pictures of the more spectacular ices. They posted a couple icing videos on Youtube and Facebook. From there, Bros Icing Bros spilled up the East Coast before hitting the New York City epicenter. Investment bankers especially got a kick out of it. An icing was recently reported at Goldman Sachs.

Typically Internet memes fizzle out within weeks. What’s worrisome is Bros Icing Bros is only escalating. Social media expert Sandy Smallens believes, “We're gonna see more of this. Now that everything can be delivered through digital media, what's the last authentic thing? Spontaneous experience.” The frat boys, Smallens said, are at the vanguard of the next phase in social media: real life. Smallens believes memes such as Icing Bros will become more potent in the future because they build a feedback loop between Internet you and real world you.

In translation, it took a while but frat boys finally figured out the social media game. Meatheads could always ruin your day off-line, now they can do it online as well. Smallens believes corporations will now follow suit.

In translation, don’t forget your ice block, bro!

32 Teams, 32 Murals By ESPN

2010-06-01T04:05:00.000-07:00

In anticipation of the soon arriving 2010 FIFA World Cup, ESPN released 32 murals for each team/country in the World Cup:

Via PBH: ESPN’s 2010 FIFA World Cup Murals For 32 Nations

The Top 5 Batting Surprises Of The 2010 Season

2010-05-26T08:07:00.001-07:00

This is a guest post by Peter Schiller of Baseball Reflections.

It's been a strange season for baseball so far. Who could envision that Kelly Johnson would lead the NL in home runs or that Casey McGehee would be second in baseball in RBI? With so many new players leading the league statistically, it's a good time to look at the top 5 offensive players surprises of fantasy baseball 2010:

5. Paul Konerko, 1B of the Chicago White Sox
2010 Stats: 21 R, 14 HR, 30 RBI 0 SB and a .262 BA

Konerko is leading all of baseball with 14 home runs and now has half of his 2009 total only 2 months into the 2010 season. I expect him to continue to hit home runs, but he will not hit 40 by the end of the season. Still, hitting 30 plus will make his fantasy owners pretty happy as he’s now 6 HRs better than Albert Pujols.

Konerko hits a home run against the LA Angels

4. Vernon Wells, CF of the Toronto Blue Jays
2010 Stats: 29 R, 11 HR, 32 RBI, 2 SB, and a .301 BA

Wells hit only 15 home runs last year with 66 RBIs. He is only 5 shy of his 2009 total while hitting 40 points higher on his batting average. This is back to where he should be with his numbers, though his stolen bases are down as he stole 17 in 2009. I can see him keeping this up to 30+ HR and 100+ RBIs with double digit stolen bases. It might have just taken him this long to tweak his mechanics and recover from the injuries he’s had over the past few years.

Vernon Wells hits his first home run of the season

3. Kelly Johnson, 2B of the Arizona Diamondbacks
2010 Stats: 29 R, 12 HR, 25 RBI, 3 SB, and a .260 BA

Johnson also appears to be healthy once again and is benefiting from Chase Field being more of a hitters park than Turner Field in Atlanta. He’s currently hitting over his head as he is not a Chase Utley-type offensive second baseman, but remains a strong offensive player for his position. His power numbers will plateau over the course of the year, but the rest of his numbers should stay in line. He’s already surpassed his 2009 HR total and is hitting almost 40 points higher, just like Wells.

2. Casey McGehee 2B/3B of the Milwaukee Brewers
2010 Stats: 23 R, 9 HR, 37 RBI, 1 SB, and a .325 BA

The question often asked this off season was if McGehee would be able to replicate the numbers he flashed in his shortened 2009 season after he was called up. Most said no, but he is proving them wrong so far and I expect to see hit reach 25 HRs with 75 RBIs with a batting average well above .300.

Casey McGehee hits his first Grand Slam in 2009

1. Ty Wigginton 1B/2B/3B of the Baltimore Orioles
2010 Stats: 20 R, 12 HR, 27 RBI, 0 SB, and a .305 BA

Wigginton is playing mostly 2B with Brian Roberts on the 60 day DL. He has already hit one more HR than he did all of last year in a part time role and he should shatter his 2009 totals all around if he can stay in the line-up, but I don’t think he can keep up this HR pace and his average will eventually drop into the .270s. The biggest question is if Roberts returns in 2010, where do the O’s play Wigginton or will he have regressed into a back up role by then? I think they will have to find a place for him or trade either him or Luke Scott for them both to find playing time on this Oriole’s team.

*Legend: R = Runs, HR = Home Runs, RBI = Runs Batted In, SB = Stolen Bases, BA = Batting Average -- All stats current as of May 21, 2010*

Via PBH: The Top 5 Offensive Fantasy Surprises In 2010

6 Things You Learn At Business School

2010-05-18T23:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Dad,

B-school is good. There’s free pizza everywhere. And I can’t even get that mad about summer classes. It’s like summer camp, except with reading. There are still some things that take some getting used to, however. The Professors try to cram the word “synergy” into every other sentence. Everyone curses Greece hourly. And in the time it took me to write this sentence, I got five emails for sublet apartments in Chelsea.

Here are six other lessons after one semester:

6. Law school kids are right. Business kids have more fun.

Exhibit A, your Honor. The free, weekly Happy Hours. I had no idea this thing adults call “networking” is really just drinking with smart people. Some Thursday nights you’re rubbing elbows with the future titans of business world. And some nights you’re a synchronized swimmer performing to Queen.

5. Business school girls “just want a rich banker who will buy me s---!”

4. “It’s different this time.”

The four most expensive words in the English language. You don’t necessarily need an MBA to tell you this cautionary tale. But it helps if the story-teller has won the Nobel Prize for Economics. The examples are usually glossier, too. For example: in 1929, JFK’s dad Joe Kennedy was getting his shoes shined by some youngster. The kid started rattling off his stock tips. Joe Kennedy promptly paid the boy, went back to the office, and sold everything. Kennedy’s rationale was if even his shoe-shiner had money in the market, it was time bail. In the 2000s, we had pizza delivery boys becoming real estate brokers.

3. “Bill Gates and Warren Buffet will be on campus tomorrow. Light refreshments will be served.”

2. Its empowering.

I spent over a year cloistered in a dimly-lit office in Midtown Manhattan. Bernie Madoff bilked investors out of $50 billion two buildings down. Citibank threatened to topple the global financial system right across 3rd Avenue. And a few Subway stops downtown, Lloyd Blankenfeld and the Goldman Sachs crusaders carried out “God’s Work”, also known as: deceiving and plundering investors in the name of quarterly profits.

Compared to those Dark Ages, business school is a veritable Renaissance. You are pushed and prodded by the brightest minds the world over, there’s nice artwork, and the Italians are everywhere. Attending business school is back to the purest of endeavors. Your job is to learn for learning’s sake.

1. It’s worth it.

Yes, graduate school is expensive. Most of us will be saddled with a Mt. Everest of debt when we graduate. To cynics, its $168,000 for a shiny piece of paper. And it can be, if you are foolish enough to let it. A scruffy tour guide once told me you can achieve 2 of 3 things at school. You can i) meet a lot of interesting people, ii) learn a lot, or iii) gets lots of sleep. Why would you ever choose option iii? Business school is a serious investment. But it’s an investment of the best sort. In yourself.

P.S. Please send socks. Lots and lots of socks.

Parakeet and Kitten Love Story, In Pictures

2010-05-18T21:22:00.000-07:00

How adorable is this too? The hunter is now the hunted:

Underwater Bull Dog

2010-05-16T22:44:00.000-07:00

Being Lebron

2010-05-16T21:14:00.000-07:00

When you woke up one morning from uneasy dreams, you found yourself changed in your bed into LeBron James. You are America’s best and most beloved athlete. You are so famous the President says he’s you: "I'm LeBron, baby. I can play on this level. I got some game." The press is literally calling this is the Summer Of You. You are 25 years old, and you are on the market. It’s good to be King. You report on the set for your first Hollywood movie in a couple weeks.

But alas, all is not right in the Kingdom. You just got bounced from the playoffs early (again) by an aging, banged-up Celtics squad. With a few passive jumpshots, your crown lost some luster. This is the year you fell off the Michael Jordan trajectory. MVP titles. Olympic gold medals. None of that matters. At the end of the day, it’s all about the rings. MJ had six. Kobe has four. You have none.

LeBron James woke up one morning changed into not the next Michael Jordan, but the next Kevin Garnett. A freakish, high school-straight-to-pros prodigy who let his prime years go to waste for an also-ran team in the Midwest. Kevin Garnett warned LeBron about the dangers of being too loyal last week. KG said he would have left Minnesota for Boston years earlier knowing what he knows now.

But LeBron’s a loyal guy. He has the Akron area code 313 inked to his arm. He throws his annual MVP acceptance ceremonies in his Ohio high school gym. For him to leave Cleveland will always be a chink in his armor. He couldn’t win one with the hand he was dealt. Still, he’s given 6 ringless years of his career to Cleveland and lies even deeper in Jordan’s shadow. The Cavs can’t even get out of the East. And then there’s that $30 million clause in the Nike contract that kicks in if he plays in New York or LA.

*****

LeBron James and Tiger Woods share the same birthday (December 30) and ethnicity. That is all. Nine years and worlds separate them. One was raised by a military strict dad and loving mom, went to Stanford, and often plays in a sweater. The other? A heavily-tattooed manchild from a single mom and the streets of Akron, Ohio. Guess which one turned into sex-addicted Lothario who cheated on his Swedish bikini model wife and two children with umpteen mistresses from Vegas strippers to the teenage girl next door?

Meanwhile, LeBron James has an immaculate public image. He kicked a water-bottle once and didn’t shake hands with the Magic. And I’m being nitpicky here. With TMZ and Twitter now, this is amazing. James is engaged to his high school sweet-heart. His mom Gloria deserves … LeBronian praise.

LeBron doesn’t have the raw intensity of Michael Jordan. This is a good thing. When all is said and done, BronBron won’t win more rings than Michael. But he’ll be much happier and popular. “Talent is liquefied trouble”, as filmmaker Sydney Pollack liked to say. It fueled Jordan to 6 rings, yes, but he also fought his own teammates in practice and became a compulsive gambler. He muddled through a messy divorce and was still bitterly calling out his haters during his Hall of Fame acceptance speech last year. Those six rings are the only fine-line between Jordan’s brilliance and madness.
The NBA was just angrier back then. Magic Johnson and Larry Bird wouldn’t even speak to each other during their storied 1980s rivalry. Nowadays, there’s LeBron biking around with Carmelo Anthony and Dwyane Wade in Beijing.

Like LeBron, Us Generational Y’ers are more global and not as mad as our predecessors. Youtube and Facebook tend to keep us happy. And LeBron James is the perfect specimen for Youtube. There are 112,000 LeBron James videos on Youtube. (And this is the best one: LeBron James Answer to Kobe Bryant by Lil Wayne) He drops the Akron Hammer Tomahawk jams mid-game, but he’ll get down for impromptu dance-offs with Shaq pre-game too.

So it’s only appropriate that Generation Y’s Mozart has a lion-dragon tattoo inked to his chest and is Eddie Murphy funny. LeBron shares Gen Y’s sleepy Facebook political activism, too. He’s not especially outspoken about anything, but he did donate money to Obama’s 2008 campaign. He took Jordan’s queue about not being political. He’ll give the most milquetoast soundbytes on current events. LeBron James reps Nikes, not Darfur.

*****

Thank God for the World Cup because besides that SportsCenter will bombard us all summer with “Will Brett come back?” and “Will LeBron stay?” LeBron can look to baseball for some pointers. Alex Rodriguez shows LeBron exactly what not to do. A-Roid took steroids for three years, cheated on his wife with a Toronto stripper, and is just generally a despicable human being. He’s merely a better Jose Canseco, a.k.a a juiced up slugger who dated Madonna. A-Roid chased the money out of town and did win a ring. But he couldn’t win a title by himself. He’ll always be the Ben Affleck to Derek Jeter’s Matt Damon—a punchline:

Then there’s Joe Mauer. It is impossible not to pull for Joe Mauer. He speaks like the guys from the “Fargo” movie, unwinds Sundays by mowing his lawn at his log cabin, and is only the greatest catcher since Johnny Bench. Joe Mauer spurned the Yankees and Red Sox to take a sizable hometown discount and stay with the Twins. It’s been hailed as a sign that small market teams can still keep their superstars. Joe Mauer single-handedly saved Minneapolis tourism for the next 8 years.

Imagine you are LeBron James. You have four choices. Pick one:

A) LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS: LeBron going to the Clippers would be like Megan Fox marrying Donnie Wahlberg. Right house, definitely wrong brother.

B) CHICAGO BULLS: Even President Obama is pitching his city of Chicago. And LeBron has never played with a point guard like Derek Rose. But playing in Jordan’s House is not conducive to leaving Jordan’s shadow.

C) STAY IN CLEVELAND: Home is where the heart is. And the Cavs are still a championship caliber team. To GM Dan Ferry’s credit, he did everything right except for two big man trades that didn’t happen with Los Phoenix Suns. In 2009, Ferry couldn’t pry away Shaq to be the Kyptonite to the Dwight Howard Superman. In 2010, Ferry wouldn’t put up the extra rookie for Amare Stoudamire. Ferry opted for the Wizards’ Antwan Jamison who wilted versus Boston (scoring 9 and 5 points the last two playoff games).

D) NEW YORK: You will always be from Akron, but there is nothing like being King of New York. Ask your best friend Jay-Z. Then have a little chat with your buddy Dwyane Wade about coming too. What can you buy with $30 million a year max contract you can’t buy with $20 million? Besides, you and Mr. Wade would recoup it with interest when you bring NYC four straight NBA titles.

Also on Prose Before Hos: Being Lebron James

The Best 5 Pranks Of All Time

2010-05-05T23:30:00.000-07:00

Ever been Chatroulette pranked? A buddy, lets call him Jean, catches you in the packed school library and raves about this scintillating new website—Chatroulette.com. Its part YouTube/part Facebook, and its completely taking the web by storm. Even Jessica Alba and Ashton Kutcher use it, he says. So you check it out, spin through the crystal-clear video chats. First time you may get some college frat dudes. Next, probably an empty room, maybe a Goth chick. But within 5 or 6 spins BAM! there’s a pudgy Eastern European naked—or worse—staring right back at you. Except he wasn’t just staring at me. He was also scoping out the mortified Corporate Finance study group seated behind me. He gave them a creepy little wave, and… it was awkward. In honor of graduation and the pending Senior Pranks here are five legendary pranks to pull on your school or my “friend”:

5. During the 2006 World Cup, German hooligans painted cement balls over to look exactly like soccer balls. The pranksters then added signs reading: Can you kick it?

4. Jimmy Fallon has his own late-night show. Trust me. Bored NBC executives have been pranking all of us. I’ve just been waiting 15 months for the punchline. And the first result for 'Jimmy Fallon Is Not Funny' in Google is his performance at the VMA's... I can hardly disagree:

3. The New York-based CollegeHumor.com comedians Streeter and Amir have been locked in an unforgettable prank war for years. Streeter most recently exacted his revenge in the infamous Half-Court Shot Prank. Amir was “randomly” selected to take a blind-folded half-court shot for $500,000 during half-time at a University of Maryland basketball game. While Amir was debriefed in a sound-proof room, Streeter got the Terrapin crowd to play along with him. Amir came out minutes later and heaved the shot. The ball bounced harmlessly 20 feet wide and 10 feet short of the basket. But Streeter and the crowd cheered wildly as though Amir pulled off the unthinkable. Amir ripped off his blindfold, believing the applause. And the fans egged Amir on as he sprinted across the court ecstatically thinking he had won a half-million dollars. Streeter broke the news minutes later:

Kansas high schoolers tried to copy-cat with their basketball coach this January. There was just one problem. He nailed the shot. All the stunned high schoolers could fork over was a $10 Chipotle gift card, but the video became a YouTube sensation and the media exposure netted him Final Four tickets this year:

2. From humans hidden inside toilets to fake sniper hoaxes, Japanese game shows are in to some twisted jokes. In the United States they would be instant lawsuits, but in Japan they make for humdrum evening TV. The more innocuous variety is the crowd prank:

An unsuspecting Japanese businessman ambles down the street when suddenly 100 screaming people run in the opposite reaction. Sometimes they chase down the businessman, other times they swarm as a mosh pit and toss him up and down in the air, but every time is a sure bet to YouTube away your afternoon.

1. New Trier High School students in Illinois master-minded the granddaddy of all high school pranks: the Pig Prank. Seniors scooped up three massive pigs, Sharpied #1, #2, #4 on their backs, and let them loose, hog-wild in the school. School administrators located piggies #1, #2, and #4 within the hour, but they closed the school for several days before realizing there was no piggy #3.

Via All That's Interesting: The Top 5 Greatest Pranks

Watch Out Jessica Simpson

2010-05-04T23:44:00.000-07:00

Because there is a new idiot in town. And his name is Justin Bieber:

During an interview on a New Zealand television show, he was asked if "Bieber" meant "basketball" in German. After admitting he didn't know what 'German' meant, he responded by saying: "We don't say that in America." What?

Enjoy PBH2? Check Out The Rest Of The PBH Network!

2010-05-03T07:19:00.001-07:00

If you like PBH2, you should check out the rest of our network of sites: All Thats Interesting, PBH3, Die Hipster Die, Die Guido Die, and Prose Before Hos. If you're interesting in advertising on this network of sites, please visit the PBH Network advertising information.

PS. If you want fitness and work out advice, check out Built Lean!

Incredible Star Wars Propaganda Posters

2010-04-28T20:19:00.000-07:00

For the Imperial Forces:

For the Rebel Alliance:

The Only Dating Article You Ever Need

2010-04-10T08:09:00.000-07:00

“Why do American girls play these games?”, my buddy asks. He’s French. Now in New York City, he’s a 21st century Tocqueville of sorts. But instead of seeing the boundless potential of American democracy, Jean is puzzled by the Byzantine paradoxes of the American dating scene: “Why do they always wait 2+ hours before texting back?”, “Why are they so sarcastic?”

Now I know in Europe there are probably Absinthe-fueled sex parties on the regular, but we’re in America. Call us quaint, but we never did shed our Puritan roots. And we’ve impeached a President for less. There are rules here:

She Asks, “Does This Make Me Look Fat?”: Smile sweetly and say, “Nothing could make you look fat.” WARNING: Any variation from this answer may result in death by impalement.

McFlurries: The ideal date dessert. And Oreo, not M&M. You need the crumbles.

She Says Nothing Is Wrong: She means, everything is. All hands on deck. We’re at DEFCON 5.

The 3 Day Rule (Alternatively: The 7 Day, Second Tuesday From Now, Sometime Before Labor Day Rule): You seem desperate if you call that Sunday evening. I hate this rule and fortunately the taboo seems to be lifting. I’m not calling you the next day because I’m miserable. I’m calling you the next day because I like you and really want to talk to you.

Gold Diggers: See: Manhattan, The Upper East Side.

Pick Up Lines: The Most Interesting Man In The World from the Dos Equis beer ads put it best: “There’s a time and a place for them. The time is never. I’ll let you figure out the place for yourself.”

Don’t dwell on the silky smooth, James Bond opener. You aren’t that important or that witty. In a pinch, a simple “Hi, I’m—” will always suffice.

Man Law #102: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.

You Forgot Her Name: You are doomed, but Option 1—You pull up a friend and don’t say anything so she introduces herself to him. Drawback: She knows exactly what you’re doing. Option 2—You say, “You have such a lovely name. How do you spell it?” Drawback: Her name is Kim. Or Pam.

Sadly name-forgetting is an epidemic afflicting most Generation Y’ers. Tom Wolfe, a.k.a. America’s best living writer observed, “Today's first base is deep kissing, now known as tonsil hockey, plus groping and fondling this and that. Second base is oral sex. Third base is going all the way. Home plate is learning each other's names.”

The Age/2+7 Rule: Take your age, divide by 2, and add 7. If you’re 26, you can date down to a 20 year old. If you’re 30, 22. It’s near-Man Law but it’s up for review. You can do it. Though it still looks odd.
The Age/2+7: Corollary: If you’re asking if you can round down, you really need to reevaluate the entire situation to begin with. (I’m talking to you, Ricky.) Exceptions: Clint Eastwood, Sean Connery. Dirty Harry and James Bond can do whatever they want.

She Doesn’t Answer Your Call: Leave a text. Not a voicemail message. It never comes out well. And leaving rambling voice mails leads men to do crazy things. Larry David famously once broke into a girl’s apartment to delete a particularly meandering message. Besides, Americans born after 1982 are allergic to voicemail anyway. Text. And keep it short. Texting should be Hemingway, not Dickens.

She Doesn’t Answer Your 3rd Call: Move on.

“Outpunting Your Coverage”: To vastly outperform your sexual market value. Non-Brad Pitts can still find their Angelina, too. It just takes a lot longer, and it helps if you’re funny. The truth is there’s no such thing as a “league”. Just self-doubt. After all, Julia Roberts once wed Lyle Lovett. Supermodel Adriana Lima is married and hopelessly in love with Marco Juric, a guy averaging 2.6 points a night off the bench for the Memphis Grizzles. Like they say in “Dumb & Dumber”: “So you’re telling me there’s a chance!?!”

“The Game” Pick-Up Artists: A book “The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pick-up Artists” hit bookshelves in 2004 and has ruined malls and parks ever since. The book empowered legions of sketchy dudes to pursue girls by picking on their self-esteem. Tactics include: carrying around a piece of lint and placing it on the target’s shoulder; off-putting lines (called “negs”) like: “Your eyes are pretty. May I touch them?” I won’t deny these creeps occasionally outpunt their coverage. But I also won’t deny they dress like fairies and have no friends.

The “Super Bad” Rule: No, not one-name fake IDs. Or that awkward, angst-ridden teens will conquer the world. But Seth Rogen’s tip, “a major turning point in my life was when I realized you don’t want to meet a chick in a bar. Go to a farmer's market or a pumpkin patch… depending on the time of year.” a) You don’t want to tell your kids you met their mom during a sweaty game of flip cup at Brother Jimmy’s. b) If a girl hooks up with you the first night at a bar, you aren’t her first, nor the last. You know when Woody Allen quips, "I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member." It’s kind of like that...

Woody Allen: Woody achieved arguably one of the greatest human accomplishments of the 20th century in 1977. He made bespectacled, neurotic Manhattan Jews sexually viable, even desirable, to women with the movie “Annie Hall”. Think of NASA astronauts who walked on the moon and what they’ve done since.

Once you reach the zenith of human achievement, what do you do with yourself on sleepy Saturday afternoons? Most drink, get depressed. Woody Allen opted to cheat with and then marry his girlfriend’s adopted daughter.

Mila Kunis: Sure, Megan Fox and Jessica Alba crack every fella’s top 5 hottest women on the planet list. But deep down, we are obsessed with Mila Kunis from “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”. Her smoldering, white-hot looks overshadowed only by her down-for-whatever, Hawaiian persona. Deep down, every 20-something guy wishes he was with her. Ironic because she’s dating Macaley Culkin. Who every 20-something guy wishes he was… when he was 7.

What Could Have Been: The four saddest words in the English language. Just ask her. Obviously, easier said than done. But worst case scenario, she says no. Best case, she’s your wife.

Take heart, Jean. The love of your life will be one in a million. So if she’s in New York City there should 7 of them.

How Birthers See Barack Obama's Birth Certificate

2010-02-15T05:59:00.000-08:00

Via All That's Interesting.

Vintage Sexist Print Advertisements

2010-02-14T05:25:00.000-08:00

Via PBH3: Sexist Vintage Ads.

Check Out PBH!

2010-01-26T13:13:00.001-08:00

If you want more PBH, follow PBH on Twitter, check out Prose Before Hos, PBH on Tumblr, Disgraceful and Sexy (more updates coming soon), Die Guido Die, and Die Hipster Die.

Hipster Mustache Brigade

2010-01-25T07:47:00.000-08:00

"Must... Appropriate... Antiquated... Facial Hair Styles"

Cat and Dog: Know Your Role

2010-01-24T15:02:00.001-08:00

Via PBH3 and All That's Interesting.

The Weirdest Items Available On Amazon.com

2010-01-04T17:18:00.000-08:00

What do 1500 live lady bugs, a therapy book centered on clinching your butt, and a land tank all have in common? You can buy all of them at Amazon! And so I present to you, the top 6 strangest products on Amazon:

6. The Boozeberry

Are you a lowlife drunk that wants to maintain the air of social conformity and success? Then the Boozeberry is for you: a flask shaped like a Blackberry that holds 2 ounces of booze (or if you're like me, booze and bleach). You can chug from this thing all day long and people around you will merely think "Wow, what an enterprising young man, he can literally suck out the productive business juice from a Blackberry!"

Perfect For: The recently laid off investment banker, who, no longer able to afford cocaine, has turned to Aristocrat vodka for his 11 AM wake-me-up.

5. 1500 Lady Bugs

How 1500 Ladybugs live through a couple of days of being shipped around the country beats me. And who exactly needs 1500 Ladybugs?

Perfect for: The next door neighbor who has the too-perfect garden.

4. How to Good-bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way?

With such chapters as "Do 3-week fasting, save sex energy and rotate vortex" and "Erase your bad stickiness and multiply various good feeling", you know this book was written by a professional. Truthfully, I can't tell if the author or the translator is at fault, but my sex vortex continues to be unrotated. But don't take it from me, read the happy fun time description on the back cover:

I think constricting anus 100 times and denting navel 100 times in succession everyday is effective to good-bye depression and take back youth. You can do so at a boring meeting or in a subway. I have known 70-year-old man who has practiced it for 20 years. As a result, he has good complexion and has grown 20 years younger. His eyes sparkle. He is full of vigor, happiness and joy. He has neither complained nor born a grudge under any circumstance. Furthermore, he can make love three times in succession without drawing out.

You read right: 3 times in succession without drawing out. The writer, Hiroyuki Nishigaki, also seems to have a monopoly on awful author pictures:

Perfect For: Anyone who smokes too much weed or seeks out homeopathic solutions to their crippling mental issues. One of your Aunts probably fits into both of these categories.

3. Fresh Whole Rabbit

Do you like nutty tasty meats that are less fatty than chicken? Then get a whole rabbit carcass shipped to your house, courtesy of Amazon. At least the customers have a sense of humor about this sort of thing:

Perfect For: Any aspiring PETA supporters or a dog-owner that doesn't mind feeding the dessicated viscera of a leftover rabbit to their canines.

2. Solid Gold S.E.P. (Stop Eating Poop)

Are you tired of watching your dog make dinner out of his doo-doo? Then the Solid Gold S.E.P. is for you! It contains nutrients and spices that will apparently prevent your dog from being attracted to his own poop.

Perfect For: Anyone who you bought the fresh whole rabbit for and whose dog is going to go in for seconds. Poop-eating prevention may be a good idea for any particularly curious 4 year olds as well.

1. JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank

I'll let this bad boy speak for itself:

The JL421 Badonkadonk is a completely unique, extremely rare land vehicle and battle tank. Designed with versatility in mind, the Donk can transport cargo or a crew of five internally or on the roof, and can be piloted from within the armored shell or from an exposed standing position through the hatch, thanks to special one-way steel mesh armor windows and a control stick that pivots up and down to allow piloting from the standing or seated positions.

Yes, you read that right. You can buy a freakin' tank on Amazon. It goes 40 miles per hour, comes with a public announcement system, and a 400 watt sound system. I'm just waiting for the day when they come out with a Bang Bus rip-off featuring this land tank.

Perfect For: When you take your next vacation in Fallujah or the Afghan/Pakistani border and a body suit made entirely of kevlar isn't quite enough protection. Also good for when promoting a cult, as the PA system combined with the alien design form will allow even the most disconnected of zealots to successfully promote their beliefs (I'm looking at you, Scientology!).]

Via PBH: The 6 Strangest Products On Amazon and PBH3.

Krampus: The Skeezy, Demonic Anti-Santa Claus

2009-12-21T08:37:00.000-08:00

Did you know there is an anti-Santa Claus? His name is Krampus, a mythical creature who accompanies Saint Nicholas in various regions of the world during the Christmas season. Krampus acts as an anti–Saint Nicholas, who instead of giving gifts to good children, gives warnings and punishments to the bad children. To the surprise of few, Krampus also loves to visit the homes of well-endowed young females to dole out attentive punishments, as evidenced by the photos below:

Originally on ProseBeforeHos: Krampus: The Perverted Anti-Santa Claus and PBH3: Bizarro Santa Is Angry And Loves Spanking Young Women.

The Best Going Rogue Review You'll Ever Read

2009-11-30T13:09:00.000-08:00

We want to believe:

There are many kinds of truth. There are truths based on facts, truths based on faith, and truths based on something that sounds as if it should be true (truthiness). Then there’s the kind of truth we find in Sarah’s book: stories and concepts that become truths simply because she states them. She’s a lot like our Lord and Savior, Glen Beck, in that respect.

Sometimes, she states truths that would be considered ludicrous if uttered by someone else. Her claim that the McCain campaign forced her to spend $150,000 in RNC funds to dress her family in designer clothes is one example of that. Although it might be easier to believe that she acted like a trailer park Zsa Zsa who’d found a credit card left behind at a possum feed, she blames McCain staffers. That’s good enough for us, because we have faith; we want to believe her truths.

But the book isn’t perfect. As much as I enjoyed the few short paragraphs in which Mrs Palin laid out her policy objectives, she could have condensed it all into one sentence: “I’m going to grab an Oxo Good Grips Stainless Serving Spatula and go all mavericky on your non-white, non-Christian and non-heterosexual butts.”

The book also fails to expose Mrs. Palin’s intellectual brilliance and keen grasp of foreign policy issues. Why wasn’t the text of her recent speech in Hong Kong included? Although it remains secret, it’s rumored that she viciously rebuked the Vietcong king for his assault on the Empire State Building. That’s a speech we’ve been waiting for nearly 75 years to hear. It’s big news and should have been included.

As you read other reviews of this book, please remember that Mrs. Palin has many enemies who are eager to pan her work. The Palin family’s most potent nemesis, Levi’s johnston, is no doubt fully erect and ready to spew globs of misfortune upon them for a third time. And reason-adoring intellectuals are certain to point out that an interview on Good Morning Topeka doesn’t qualify as a policy summit in the Far East.

But a few bad reviews won’t stop her. She’s seen much worse from her kitchen window. It can’t be pleasant to gaze upon Antichristograd every morning as you brew your coffee.

My review isn’t complete, but I think I’ll quit anyway, because writing reviews, like governing, is just too darned hard to finish.

[via PBH3]

Help Support PBH!

2009-11-30T13:08:00.001-08:00

As some of you may know, PBH has had a lot of hosting and technical problems over the past couple of years. Most notably, people directly linked to several of our images on Digg (A and B) and Reddit (A), causing us to get kicked off of several hosts and costing us quite a bit of time and money. Thus, PBH2 and PBH3 are largely acting as defacto backup hosts for a lot of our content since running PBH has been difficult both financially and technically. If you would like to help us out, please do your holiday shopping via this link at Amazon. Thanks!

Sloth In The Box

2009-11-26T20:43:00.000-08:00

There's a god damn SLOTH in the box.

Baby Squirrel Rescued By Mother

2009-11-25T11:51:00.000-08:00

[via PBH3]

Doggy Drive Through Window

2009-11-25T09:35:00.000-08:00

In the 'what-the-fack' department, a BP gas station in Florida has hired a dog to work at the store.

Seriously, this isn't a joke:

It all started one day five months ago when Mansour decided to bring his dog to work. He didn't think much of it at the time — he just wanted to have his best friend with him while he worked the sometimes slow, and occasionally, dangerous, early morning shift. The dog was given free rein of the store, and as a joke, Mansour put a shirt with a BP logo on the dog, and gave him a name tag.

"While he's here, he's an employee. My rule is, 'all employees need to wear the shirt,' " Mansour said.

[via PBH3]

Katie Couric Will Ruin Your Party With Her Booty Dancing

2009-11-23T08:31:00.000-08:00

[via PBH3]

I Fucking Hate Internet Explorer 8

2009-11-13T09:09:00.001-08:00

Oh, Internet Explorer 8 is just so damn user friendly.

Get This Damn Sweater Off Of Me!!

2009-11-12T11:13:00.000-08:00

Originally from PBH3.

Will Ferrell Does Robert Goulet

2009-10-29T08:47:00.000-07:00

Hello I'm Robert Goulet! Da da de da da do. I know one thing we can agree on when a professional gets his mitts on a song that's when it really takes off. Da da de da da do ba dob a do. That's why I've gone out and done the music world a frickin' service, and cut this compact disc. It's called The Coconut Bangers Ball: It's A Rap. Ha Ha Ha -- a little inside, I know. Anyway what you get is one full hour of rip roarin' rap music. Not by some dubious ruffians without the chops, but by a professionally trained voice man. No musical accompaniment. It's just me out there. Watch what I do with this little ditty from Sisco called the "Thong Song."

"Oh girl that dress is so scandalous,
And you know another nigga couldn't handle it.
You see dumps like a truck, truck, truck
Not like a what, what, what
Baby move you butt,butt,butt
I think I'll sing it again
Sha bang, sha bop,bop bop.
Thong Song"

Something like that. Hey, you wouldn't let a clown fix a leak in the john. So why do you let these hooligans tear down the biz. Yeah!!! I don't care if he is mister Notorious Big. Can he croon?

"Poppa, I like it when you call me Big Poppa
Throw your hands in the air if you think your a playa
Poppa, I love it when you call me Big Poppa
To the honeys makin' money playin' niggaz just like dummies
Poppa"

You get the idea. We call it Coconut Bangers Ball: It's A Rap. It's Snoopy, Dre, Biggie, Puff Man, Cooooooooolio, the whole bunch.

"Who let the dogs out,
Who let those dogs out,
Who let those little mutts gooooooooooo!
Yeah! Goulet!"

Well I gotta a gig to make, but do yourself a big favor alright and go out and ( Big Horn walks into scene) hold on lookee here. It's a big horn. Well! (grabs bowl of food) That's why I come up here. Look at you. You're hungry. You don't even blink do you. Quick -- staring contest me and you! Now!

You win, you always do. That's why I come up here.

Nature! Goulet!

Anyway check out the CD you'll just love it. Or my name isn't Robert Goulet.

If the video above isn't working, try below:

It's A Magical World!

2009-10-27T06:06:00.000-07:00

Originally on PBH3.

Global Consumption of Coca-Cola

2009-10-14T09:05:00.000-07:00

Or why America is morbidly obese and health care will never work:

Originally from ProseBeforeHos: Coca-Cola Consumption Per Capita

What Is Really Wrong With Parents These Days, Part 2

2009-10-12T12:22:00.000-07:00

Probation by age 13. Call it an educated guess.

Sexual Education Now Includes Live Demonstrations For Courting

2009-10-11T18:50:00.000-07:00

The Immaculate Interception

2009-10-11T18:38:00.000-07:00

Washington's Mason Foster intercepted a deflected pass off the foot of Arizona's Delashaun Dean and returned the carom 37 yards for a touchdown with 2:37 left, and the Huskies rallied with two touchdowns in the final three minutes to stun the Wildcats 36-33 on Saturday night. Quarterback Nick Foles tried to throw a quick screen that had worked against the Huskies' defense all night.

The screen was read by Washington's defense, and Foles tried to hit Dean. The throw was low and behind Dean, deflecting off his left foot and into the arms of Foster who ran untouched for the shocking touchdown.

The noise following the interception and touchdown was so deafening that cameras inside the stadium began to shake and vibrate.

A Depressed Pug

2009-09-29T20:43:00.000-07:00

You Ever Seen Kenny Rogers Fake Out Michael Jordan?

2009-09-02T11:52:00.000-07:00

Because it really happened:

This epic footage of a young Michael playing ball against Larry Bird, Dominique Wilkins and Kenny Rogers — yes, that Kenny Rogers! — during the country-singer-cum-chicken-magnate's "Classic Weekend" in 1988. The best part? Kenny Rogers hitting a shot over Jordan

An Ant Raft

2009-08-13T12:14:00.000-07:00

Red imported fire ants are extremely resilient and have adapted to contend with both flooding and drought conditions. If the ants sense increased water levels in their nests, they will come together and form a huge ball or raft that is able to float on the water, with the workers on the outside and the queen inside. Once the ball hits a tree or other stationary object, the ants swarm onto it and wait for the water levels to recede. To contend with drought conditions, their nest structure includes a network of underground foraging tunnels that extends down to the water table. Also, despite the fact that they do not hibernate during the winter, colonies can survive cold conditions as low as 16 °F (−9 °C).

And if you have problems with the YouTube video, an alternative is below:

Worst Boxer Ever

2009-08-03T11:26:00.000-07:00

This isn't an April Fools joke. Brian "The Mullet" Sutherland is very real, and very, very bad at boxing:

Whoever arranged this fight has a very good sense of humor.

Built Lean - Fitness Tips to Lose Body Fat Fast

Economic Inequality in The USA

2009-07-29T12:45:00.000-07:00

Where land of the free means land of the rich and the poor. Originally from ProseBeforeHos, Economic Inequality In The United States.

The Cutest Koala Pictures

2009-07-24T15:13:00.000-07:00

The cutest Koala Bear pictures you'll see in your life:

You Ever Seen A Turtle Bust A Nut?

2009-07-21T20:13:00.000-07:00

Boba Fett Playing The Accordion

2009-07-19T08:47:00.000-07:00

(Or, just another day in New York City -- this was photographed on 20th St. and 10th Avenue)

Sean Connery Explains When It's OK To Hit A Woman

2009-07-16T16:48:00.000-07:00

Narwhal WTF!

2009-07-16T07:52:00.000-07:00

A Cat and Monkey Make Out

2009-07-13T13:27:00.000-07:00

Well, I thought I had everything the internet had to offer me. But then I saw a cat and monkey make out:

Apparently, this is some sort of regular occurrence that I never knew about:

A Deer Licking A Cat

2009-07-10T11:38:00.001-07:00

The Transformation of Michael Jackson

2009-06-27T09:59:00.000-07:00

Michael Jackson at age 12

Michael Jackson at age 13

Michael Jackson at age 21

Michael Jackson at age 23

Michael Jackson at age 29

Michael Jackson at age 38

Michael Jackson at age 42

Michael Jackson at age 43

Michael Jackson at age 46

Michael Jackson at age 48

The June 20th Iran Protests In Pictures

2009-06-20T22:29:00.000-07:00

Photographs from the June 20th/21st protests in Iran:

The Iranian Election Protests In Pictures

2009-06-16T11:42:00.001-07:00

Roll Dat Cheese

2009-06-14T14:27:00.000-07:00

Of all Britain's weird and wonderful customs and traditions, the annual cheese rolling races at Cooper's Hill in Gloucestershire must be among the strangest - and certainly the most spectacular.

It takes place every year on Cooper's Hill near Brockworth in the last weekend of May, and it sees scores of men and women hurtle 200 yards down a near vertical slope in pursuit of a seven-pound Double Gloucester cheese.

Thousands more gather to watch the remarkable spectacle which has been happening almost every year for at least 200 years, and it is believed, possibly many centuries more.

Oh, The Compassion And Intelligence of Zionism

2009-06-04T21:06:00.000-07:00

"Max and I went on to the streets of Jerusalem at ten o’clock on a Wednesday to ascertain the feelings of the young population about Obama’s upcoming speech in Cairo. As is often the case, the streets of central Jerusalem were not filled with native Israelis but American Jews. Doubtlessly anyone who has visited Jerusalem has encountered the droves of American Jewish kids that are sent to Israel to study for a period of time from Teaneck or Westchester. We asked people a simple question, “What do you think of Obama and Israel?” Most of the people that we talked to were dual American Israeli citizens. The answers in this video reflect the education and worrisome perspectives that many American Jews harbor towards Israeli politics. The sense of entitlement that the American Jewish community has when it comes to Israeli policy is on full raw display in the words of these young adults.

Based on our interviews these people were from high socio economic backgrounds and had developed thoughts about current Israeli politics. The question is why more journalists are not covering this story. All you have to do is walk the streets of Jerusalem and you will find dozens of people that harbor the same beliefs. As a resident of Jerusalem, I can say that the people represented in this video are not members of a fringe group or simply drunk college kids. These people reflect the sentiments shared by many people in this country and this city. These people and their families are the core of the opposition to meaningful peace between Israel and her neighbors. This is what Obama is up against."

The Tiananmen Square Massacre In Pictures

2009-06-04T12:08:00.000-07:00

The Tiananmen Square protests of 1989 culminating in the Tiananmen Square massacre were a series of demonstrations in and near Tiananmen Square in Beijing in the People's Republic of China (PRC) beginning on April 14. Led mainly by students and intellectuals, the protests occurred in a year that saw the collapse of a number of communist governments around the world.

The protests were sparked by the death of pro-market, pro-democracy and anti-corruption official, Hu Yaobang, whom protesters wanted to mourn. By the eve of Hu's funeral, 1,000,000 people had gathered on the Tiananmen square. The protests lacked a unified cause or leadership; participants included disillusioned Communist Party members and Trotskyists as well as free market reformers, who were generally against the government's authoritarianism and voiced calls for economic change and democratic reform within the structure of the government. The demonstrations centered on Tiananmen Square, in Beijing, but large-scale protests also occurred in cities throughout China, including Shanghai, which remained peaceful throughout the protests.

The movement lasted seven weeks, from Hu's death on April 15 until tanks cleared Tiananmen Square on June 4. In Beijing, the resulting military response to the protesters by the PRC government left many civilians dead or severely injured. The number of deaths is not known and many different estimates exist.[3][4] There were early reports of Chinese Red Cross sources giving a figure of 2,600 deaths, but the Chinese Red Cross has denied ever doing so. The official Chinese government figure is 241 dead, including soldiers, and 7,000 wounded.

Angelina Jolie Loves Horses... A Little Too Much

2009-05-31T18:02:00.000-07:00

This is part of a photo series entitled Horse Play by photographer David Lachapelle:

What does that horse have that I don't? Oh yah, a 10 inch tongue.

Idiot Destroys His Own House

2009-05-28T20:35:00.000-07:00

Birmingham Police, Still Crazy After All These Years

2009-05-21T16:40:00.001-07:00

Michael Steele Operates A Phone Sex Line?!

2009-05-21T07:26:00.001-07:00

The Baby Jumping Festival

2009-05-20T18:45:00.000-07:00

Baby jumping (El Colacho) is a traditional Spanish practice dating back to 1620 that takes place annually to celebrate the Catholic feast of Corpus Christi in the village of Castrillo de Murcia near Burgos. During the act - known as El Salto del Colacho (the devil's jump) or simply El Colacho – men dressed as the Devil (know as the Colacho) jump over babies born during the previous twelve months of the year who lie on mattresses in the street. The festival has been rated as one of the most dangerous in the world. The origins of the tradition are unknown but it is said to cleanse the babies of original sin, ensure them safe passage through life and guard against illness and evil spirits.

Worst. Band. Ever.

2009-05-16T19:14:00.000-07:00

The Top 5 Keyboard Cat Videos

2009-05-12T09:31:00.001-07:00

5. Spiderman! Breaks his collar bone

4. Gargoyles! In Jesus' name I pray...

3. Worst Marriage Proposal Ever

2. The Original (That'll do, keyboard cat, that'll do...)

1. Glenn Beck Guest Passout

Fonz: The Video Game

2009-05-07T19:26:00.001-07:00

Can You Spot The Fifth Wheel?

2009-05-07T17:29:00.000-07:00

Originally on Disgraceful and Sexy.

Why Reddit Why?

2009-05-07T07:37:00.001-07:00

???:

Russian TV Show Goes Very Wrong

2009-05-05T18:34:00.000-07:00

Wanna Be Thug Meets Keyboard Cat

2009-05-05T05:11:00.001-07:00

Peanut Butter Disproves Evolution. No, Seriously.

2009-05-04T11:50:00.000-07:00

Who would have thought that the answers to the mysteries of the universe lie at the bottom of a jar of peanut butter? Well, they do if you believe creationist Chuck Missler's 'educational' video.

Missler, who is billed as an engineer and author, tries to disprove claims by evolutionists that energy plus matter sometimes results in the creation of life.

His theory is that, since no-one has ever found spontaneously-generated life in a jar of peanut butter, matter plus energy from the sun could not have caused life on Earth.

Missler explains: "A jar of peanut butter contains matter and is exposed to light and heat but we never find new life inside unless an outside life contaminates it.

"If the theory of evolution is viable then I should, occasionally, by subjecting this to energy, end up having new life.

"If I open this jar of peanut butter, maybe not often but on some occasion, I should find new life inside but when we open the jar of peanut butter and look in there, there's no new life."

The Most Convincing Argument For Atheism

2009-05-03T08:52:00.001-07:00

Though to be honest, I'd do pretty much anything for bacon.

Baby Hedgehog

2009-05-02T06:29:00.000-07:00

How Swine Flu Really Started

2009-05-01T11:23:00.000-07:00